The Apprentice is back...

Yes 9pm GMT on BBC1 the apprentice with Alan "Your fired" Sugar is back. Less than an hour to go till the cuddly rottweiler is back.

I have seen a trailer for the series which includes some suited and booted woman proclaiming that "I am the best salesperson in Europe".

Actually, I can prove your probably not.

For one how do you measure 'best salesperson'? On sales, most product sold, highest margin, largest commission. How are you comparing across industries, do you take into account factors such as customer satisfaction number of product returns or customer call backs.

If you were the best sales person you would probably be richer than Alan Sugar and the best sales person probably lives to do one thing and that is "Sell, Sell, Sell!". They would not have time to appear on the apprentice, think of the customers escaping un-serviced.

I know this because I once worked for a retail company with a heavy commission structure. I spoke to some managers who had worked their way up and were committed salespeople. My question was if you have made £2000 in the first hour of an eight hour day and had beaten your target do you put your feet up? They gave the answer of a true salesperson "I try to make £4000 in the second hour". True salespeople are always chasing the golden sale, and when they have the golden sale they need to beat it. They are truly competitive.

So are you likely to be the best salesperson in Europe. NO!

Do you have an ego that far exceeds your ability? Yes - Congratulations your on 'The Apprentice!'

Of course the biggest satisfaction in 'The Apprentice' is seeing people that have made it such as Alan Sugar take a big chain saw and cut the ego driven wannabes down to size.

Facebook just got scary

There is an application on facebook called "Owned - Buy and sell your friends."

I am now owned for the princely sum of $151 by a complete stranger.

There is something slightly unsettling about this online slavery. On one level it is a simple popularity contest to see who has the better pictures or who is wanted more.

There is no real money involved, it is just credits which you can earn by playing the game. Ownership I assume confers no rights on the new owner.

Still just a little bit scary isn't it.

Update:

Bought a female friend for a $1 as a joke, only for someone else to buy her. Then two people entered into a bidding war and she quickly shot up to over $8000.

Far too scary now, deleted and blocked the application.

Devorah Sperbler - pixelated abstract sculptures

These are absolutely fascinating. I first saw an example of these sculptures in New Scientist magazine.

Basically just as a pixelated picture is made up of single pixels of a certain colour, Devorah makes up sculptures out of spools of thread of a single colour.

As Devorah says in the New Scientist article (17 March 2007, pp 52):

"As a visual artist I cannot think of a topic more stimulating and yet so basic than the art of seeing"

- Devorah Sperber

The Science bit is appreciating how our minds process visual information and put it all together to from an image. The idea is that the sculpture makes us think about how the brain interprets the world around which may not be quite the same. The brain could be said to be playing tricks on us, in the same way that movies are still pictures but our brain processes them into moving pictures.

The world is not always quite as our eyes see it.

Snow Watch 2008

Well fleeting snow showers have been reported all over England yesterday and today. I have seen two sleety / snow showers but nothing substantial.

There was even a report from our foreign correspondent yesterday of snow in South Wales.

The weather warnings from the met office have been 'be prepared' for Saturday and Sunday. The one for Saturday has now been downgraded to normal. In Oxfordshire there is a 60% chance of a severe disruption event resulting in up to 2-5 cm local accumulations at low ground or 5-10cm on high ground.

There is snow on the pitch, they think its all over, it is now!

Watch this space for the final exciting climax to the snow watch 2008 season.

Finding Nemo and a Practical Joke

I accept no responsibility for the humour in the following article. A lot of people will already know that I can find amusement in the smallest things, others would suggest my mind is not wired the same way as other people.

Finding Nemo ...


Found him!

It reads, "Nemo Me Impune Lacessit"

Which means "None provoke me unpunished."

I feel the game could be extended to any photo where the word nemo is clearly visible. I may play this later with my camera phone.


Can I Speak to Mr C Lyon

This is a very clever practical joke from the book "Penguins Stopped Play - eleven cricketers take on the world" by Harry Thompson which I can highly recommend.

Basically you track down the telephone number of a zoo and leave a message on a work colleagues desk that a Mr C Lyon rang while they were away could they please ring them back on this number.

Unless you are particularly bright you would ring the number and only when somebody said something like "London Zoo" you would twig. Of course some people might still ask to speak to Mr C Lyon (Sea Lion if you haven't twigged yet) in which case their colleagues are probably now even rolling around on the floor. In my office we have some one who would probably continue to argue that a Mr C Lyon did ring from that number.

As a HR professional I feel obliged to point out that practical jokes could be interpreted as bullying and harassment in the workplace. Make sure the person you are playing the joke on has a sense of humour otherwise you could find yourself facing disciplinary action.

I do not pledge allegiance ...

One of the things I have always thought rather sad and strange is the way the Americans pledge allegiance to their flag. I find it rather curious that they should feel the need to have such a public pledge to unity of the country.

Its almost as if they do it as a test to see who is un-american, anyone not pledging to the flag is clearly un-american and not one of the ubiquitous us. Quick fetch your pitch forks and flaming torches and lets chase them out of town.

Anyway today saw the punt of an idea for British school leavers to have a citizenship ceremony which may or may not include a pledge of allegiance to the country and/or the Queen.

Lets give this one a miss shall we, we don't need to make an empty public gesture. After all we don't need to establish that everyone pretends to be British. Teenagers will either rebel or just pretend to get it over with. It wont give them pride in their country or give them a greater understanding of what it is to be British.

If I was being particularly cynical I might even suggest that this has nothing to do with being British it is just appealing to the illusive middle class voter who in deepest Surrey will hear the news and say what a good idea it is and about time to.

My Autobiography - Possible Titles

In a quiet moment on a wet Monday while the "Great" storm was raging against the window. In Oxfordshire it really wasn't that great, more of the "Lesser" Storm.

Anyway I was busy watching the rain and thought about writing all the stories that from a working life spent in HR. If it is still called HR when I retire in 30 ish years time. Who knows whether I shall ever write the scary story that is my life in HR but it amused me for five minutes to think about titles for my magnus opus.

" The story of a mid-level HR functionary in a non-descript government department"

" Re-inventing the wheel - the public sector way"

"I came I saw, I banged my head against the wall."

"Have you filled in the correct form?"

"101 reasons why you shouldn't have a meeting"

"Even a 6 year old can see the problem"

"To change the world, you have to start at the bottom."

"My life in procedures and policies."

"Every day heroes and how I recruited them."

"HR - Hope Revitalised"

"HR - Harpies Re-visted"

"HR - Hopeful Revolution"

"When the call came, I stood up and was counted."

"Cradle to grave HR in the public sector."

I could go on and on. Perhaps I could make them into chapter titles instead.

Snow Watch 2008

Well looking at my notes for last year, there is little hope left for any snow fall this season.

Last year there was a final blast on the 22nd March which gives us just 14 days to go.

Will the proverbial white rabbit fall out of that or is that the end of a one snowflake season.

Bah Humbug.

Meeting sign language

Have you ever been in a meeting where there are perhaps ten or twelve of you round a table, maybe you and a few team colleagues together with management / clients / customers? Perhaps you are having a pivotal discussion about the future. You need to be in sync with your team to carry the day.

How cool would it be to have an in-house sign language to give your team pointers or more info about what you are thinking. The bonus would be you could have a subtext conversation below the main conversation but one where only your team understand it.

You might want to sign things like:

"I don't agree with them"

"I agree"

"We need to support this idea"

"We need to close this idea down"

"I need your support"

"Lets wrap this up"

"I think we need a break"

"We need to negotiate on price"

"This is going nowhere"

" We need to get back on track"

You wouldn't need a whole new language just about 20 or so key phrases to help out during the meeting. After all organisations already invent their own verbal and written languages, how about inventing an organisational specific non verbal language?

Snow Watch 2008

Well I saw my first real snow flakes this morning. Following on from a report by a field reporter in South Oxfordshire of white rain I saw the odd flake in Oxford this morning. No pictures as if you had blinked you would have missed them.

Ah well. Hopes for a fine Snow Watch 2008 season are fading fast and it all started so well all the way back in December 2007.

The Quake and the media cycle

Forgot to say what I did notice with the quake is that for the print media it is tomorrows news. So their front pages were probably just finishing the print run when the big story of the day happened.

Another day where print media seems sadly helplessly behind the times. However, in their defence their analysis, editorial and commentary will be so much better than the digital versions.

Maybe it is time for newspapers to go weekly, I would be more inclined to buy one.

The day the earth shook and then I went back to sleep

Earthquake felt across much of UK (BBC)

For those of you unaware today there was a minor earthquake in the UK, for people from earth quakes zones it was a minor quake of only 5.2 on the richter scale. For the UK this is a big one, we only get one of these once every thirty years.

Of course the public and the media especially got all excited.

The quake happened just before 1 am and it woke me up. I am about 130 miles away from the epicentre of the quake. I could sense the room moving from side to side and stuff or the building rattling in the roof space.

The immediate thought was that it was an explosion like the Bunsfield oil one or an earthquake. I kind of decided it was a quake and then tried to remember what you did in a quake, stand under a doorway or get outside. This took about ten seconds to think about and then it stopped.

Electricity Still on.

All quiet, no immediate danger.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. I went back to sleep.

I am now off to fill in the British Geological Society Earthquake questionnaire on my experiences, contribute to the scientific understanding of Earthquakes in the UK.

Postal Code for earth

Should you be happening to be in Alpha Centuri posting home a postcard it may well be a mistake to post a letter to Earth.

After all there must be some hierarchy such as the name of the solar system and then the number of the planet away from the local star.

So it would be better to post your cards to 'Sol-3' (local name:Earth). After all that is how they seem to name planets in tv shows like star trek so why isn't earth known as Sol-3.

Ladders, Appraisals and funerals

Ladders

On my way to work this morning there was a ladder leant across the pavement against a wall. Rather than walk under the ladder I walked into the road and around it.

I would not class myself as superstitious although my previous paragraph would contradict me. I believe I'm just not someone that risks looking for trouble. There is enough to worry about in life than going looking for something extra. After all maybe the superstition about ladders is due to the number of things that drop on peoples heads as they go under the ladder.

As far as I can see best to minimise the risks and not take the chance.

Appraisals

Yes, its that time of year again when I write the work of fiction entitled "What I did at work this year". The annual appraisal is upon me again. The workplace is alive with works of fiction that could outsell some of the latest paperback novels.

Appraisals the system that was bought in to replace favouritism by bosses, so now the good writers among us can make up rubbish have it signed off by the same boss, but not there couldn't possibly be any favouritism, performance is all evidenced in the appraisal.

If you believe that, can I interest the emperor in a new pair of trousers. Cloth so fine you can barely see it (OK you cant mainly because it doesn't exist).

The reason I loathe the appraisal system is because linking it to performance pay they give everyone the dream that they could get a better pay rise than everyone else. In reality 90% of us get exactly the same pay rise but to compound it all you get the same grade as someone who barely turns up to work and everyone complains about. Whilst you beaver away getting the job done and enjoy moderate success.

Even worse about the appraisal at our organisation is that it has been refined to such management speak terms that no normal person can understand it but if you dare criticise the system you are an enemy of the organisation and clearly not a team player.

I call it the more cheese system, I turn up to work, complete my appraisal and press the button for more cheese. The system sees that I have pressed the button and rewards me with a small piece of cheese. Lucky me I am a fully trained organisational rat.

I have only two ways of subverting the system:

1) make the whole process hell for my manager, whine, moan, complain and drop in quotes about more cheese. This works quite well, although clearly I have to forfeit any chance of getting a superb grading in my appraisal although to be fair the chances of getting anyway was non existent.

2) After the appraisal has been signed off and the rating signed off there is a final comments box where I am allowed to put anything I want. (insert evil laugh here)

This year I am thinking a quote, maybe something by Ray Bradbury:

"There was always a minority afraid of something, and a great majority afraid of the dark, afraid of the future, afraid of the past, afraid of the present, afraid of themselves and shadows of themselves."

"If they give you ruled paper, write the other way."

Ray Bradbury quotes on wikiquote

I will chose between the two although the second quote from Fahrenheit 451 appeals to my sense of humour.

Funerals

The talk at work a while back was of funerals, the bit that stuck in my mind was about the choice of music. Its not something we like to think about but occasionally such talk leads us to wonder what we would like. These days pretty much anything goes from traditional hymns to rock ballads.

I would like a mixture of both. I would like to start with the hymn "For those in peril on the sea", I love the coast, never liked being on the sea, cant really swim much but its a good tune. Other hymns might include "Abide with me", "Guide me o though great redeemer" or if near Christmas I could quite go for an ironic sing along of "God rest ye merry gentleman".

If we are going modern I quite like rooftops by lost prophets preferably at architecture wobbling volume with massive bass bins.

"When our time is up,When our lives are done,
Will we say we've had our fun?

Will we make a mark,
This time.
Will we always say we tried. "
...
"All the love I've met,
I have no regrets,
If it all ends now,
I'm set."
...
"Standing on the rooftop,
Waiting till the bomb drops,
This is all we've got now,
Scream until your heart stops,
Never gonna regret,
Watching every sunset,
Listen to your heartbeat,
All the love that we've felt."
...

That would be a good sentiment to end on,

"When our time is up, When our lives are done, Will we say we've had our fun?"

University alumini - update your details form

Your current income level:

Under £25,000

£25,001 to £35,000

£35,001 to £50,000

£50,001 - £100,000

£100,001 - £200,000

£200,01 - £300,000

Over £300,000

Any statistician will tell you that creating categories must be meaningful, so that you get an even spread of items over each category. Which would suggest that a good proportion of ex-students earn more than £25,000.

These categories prove 2 things:

1. Going to university clearly leads to higher salaries.

2. I am not quite in the same league as many of my fellow graduates, ho hum.

Being Green and employment discrimination (CIPD)

This is not only interesting to HR people but everyone in the workplace. According to a CIPD news article in the 7 February 2008 People Management, the definition of what defines belief has been broadened.

"...the definition of belief to include any strongly held belief that affects an employee's lifestyle. This may include environmental concerns."

Thus if you felt strongly about green issues, perhaps campaigned in the workplace for recycling and then were discriminated against over a promotion because of that campaign you could claim discrimination under UK law.

The advice as always is to ensure that all decisions taken are justified. So continuing with the example you would need to justify why the company could not recycle and also prove that the promotion decision was made objectively.

The best way to make recruitment / promtion decisions is always to have a structured interview.

Snow Watch 2008

Well last week turned into a big non event, not unusual in the UK snow season. At one point the met office were predicting a 40% risk of severe disruption with up to 5 cm of snow in low lying areas. That quickly vanished and in the end not one snow flake was seen in Oxfordshire.

Anyway somebody asked why I do Snow Watch.

1. Its a scientific historical record of snow in Oxfordshire, for instance I know now in 2007 that the first snow fall of the year was on January 22nd.

2. I am still a child when it comes to snow, I used to live in the south west by the coast when I was a child. I saw an inch of snow twice in 18 years. In Oxfordshire where it pretty much snows every year I love every minute of it.

3. There is something magical about it, Walking while it is snowing, makes the world clean, dampens all the sounds including the traffic and you can make your own path in the snow and see where you have been. Tell me that isn't magical.

Admittedly if you have somewhere to go urgently or drive its a nightmare but sometimes you should stop and appreciate the beauty that is snow. It is a unique piece of nature and should be appreciated.

Snow Watch 2008

Just as I thought there was no hope Sky news predicts a snow fall.

"Weather forecasters are warning of snow, blizzards and freezing winds for later this week."

Admittedly if you read the article further, for Oxfordshire and most of England it clarifies:

"Across the rest of the UK, scattered snow showers will bring slight to moderate accumulations to some places, although detail is uncertain at this stage"

Past experience has taught us avid snow watchers that such vague predictions can mean anything from no snow whatsoever to a good three inches.

The place to watch is the met office who are quiet at the moment but then again the snow is on the limit of the five day forecast, we cant really be expecting met office early warnings till Wednesday.

The BBC five day forecast for Oxford is suggesting sleet on Friday and then light snow on Saturday.

Watch this space but it would appear we may be under starters orders.

Celebrity meltdowns are we to blame (BBC)

You may have noticed Britney Spears having a meltdown all over the trashy end of the media. The BBC have written an article which basically asks whether we are to blame for this celebrity culture.

The expert they consult suggests that these are modern day fairy tales or morality tales. We can all look at these people and say that is what happens to you if you do X, Y and Z. A kind of internal verification that if you act irresponsibly you don't get a happy ending.

Are we kidding ourselves really? After all lots of people don't end up like Britney but are just as bad. The thing is they don't get caught out.

Are such stories a bitter pill designed to keep everyone else in there place. After all that is essentially what a morality tale is.

"But we also want to know what it's like to live to the point of destruction, to experience the thrill of it without actually having to do it ourselves, and that's where Britney and co come in."

- Phillip Hodson, a fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.

So basically we know the result and therefore do not need to carry out the experiment. Although there are some things that any normal person could work out from first principles. It is not rocket science is it.

"Britney is a victim of an exploitative industry, a sensationalist media, and a public who seem to enjoy voyeuristically the troubles of superstars and celebrities."

-Marjorie Wallace, Sane

Yes, sadly the public are guilty as charged. It is compulsive car crash compulsive viewing, you have to watch even though you know what is going to happen next.

What's the answer? There is none we need morality stories to show what happens when things go wrong, but does it really need to be headline news? Morality stories don't need to be current affairs, in fact the best stories live longer than the current news day.

Snow Watch 2008

Still no sign of snow, not even on the five day forecast. It seems unseasonably warm for mid winter but who knows what is round the corner.

Snow Watch 2008

Well so far all we have had in Oxfordshire is rain and lots of it. The problem with snow is that no one quite knows when it is going to turn up in the UK until a couple of days before hand.

The first snow in 2007 was on January 22nd, 2 days away but the weather in 2008 is far too mild and wet at the moment so the likelihood over the next week is for rain and not snow.

Its too earlier to say whether the 2008 will be a damp squib season after all this time month next month I may be reporting to you from the middle of a snow drift.

Shrapnel

Ok I have been busy counting out the small change ready to go to the bank. It is known as shrapnel, as it is the small coins that arrive back in your pocket after the big coins have been spent (exploded).

Now in the UK we have penny coins such as 1, 2 and 5. All of these are now pretty useless, they don't buy many things any more, they just weigh your pockets down.

If I were in charge I would probably get rid of 1p and 2p coins, after all there are billions of them just like mine sitting around in money boxes.

The other troublesome denomination is the humble fiver, have you noticed recently that more shops apologise for not having any fiver's in change and give you lots of coins or that the fiver's you do get are past their sell by date.

The reason is not that there is a national shortage, the Bank of England has millions just waiting to be issued, but that retailers and banks don't like the notes, they take up too much space. It may not be long until we see a £5 coin come into general circulation.

Of course even better would be to get rid of cash altogether but that seems just as far off as it has even been. Despite trials with mobile phones, charge up cards, chip and pin cards etc nothing quite seems to be able to replace cash in its entirety.

The other disadvantage to all this shrapnel is that it wears out the pockets on my trousers and even with the iron-on mending patch they are never quite the same.

From Banking to trouser pockets, it is a funny old world.

Littering- For **** sake people

Littering really annoys me, how hard is it for people to either find a nearby bin or take it home with you. There really is no excuse. You wouldn't do it in your own home so why do it in the outside world.

After all I bet you are the first to complain when your town is dirty, conveniently forgetting that it is people like you that made it so dirty in the first place.

The wombles of Wimbledon Common had it right, pick up your litter, reuse and recycle.

I have been reading 'Freakonomics' so I was thinking about the economics of littering.

The reason people litter is because there is effectively no penalty for littering, there is ineffective social pressure to litter and somebody will clear it up anyway.

Of course there is an indirect cost in the taxes we pay to clear up the mess, but again the non-litterer ends up paying just as much as the litterer. If you do the right thing you still cant avoid the cost.

Then how can we get rid of litter without imposing draconian punishments for those who litter. I think it is a question of ring fencing, set up a community litter team made up of people that litter. There will always be people to add to the team and they can then clear up their own mess.

Think about it a cash fine does not work because there is no chance of getting caught but 25 hours of boring litter picking will put you off if you get caught, and put you off if a friend gets caught and tell you about it.

Find me the teenager that would like to do 25 hours boring service like that, once a few got caught littering would so decrease.

Quick Joke

Usual disclaimer: If you don't find it funny, it was funny in my head, not all heads are the same.


Meanwhile on RMS Titanic in the dining room.

Waiter: Iceberg!!!!!

Diner: No, I ordered the mixed leaf salad.


What this joke really needs is a cartoon with the caption "Dave, hated it when the waiter got his order wrong, it really ruined his night."

Snow Watch 2008 - Leg 2 False Alarm

Well at least in Oxfordshire it may have been a false alarm. There were reports of isolated snow fall in Witney, Wallingford and Wheatly but I saw nothing.

The sky looks a bit snow-like but the weather warnings were withdrawn today and nothing seems to be on the horizon.

Leg 2 was indeed a false alarm unless there is some snowfall overnight.

Either way it is still early in the season and I am looking forward to what is shaping up to be an exciting snow watch.

Leg 2: The east wind takes to the field, snow is on the wind

The early start to the snow season continues with leg 2 predicted to start tomorrow a full 21 days earlier than last season's start.

The met office has issues a severe weather warning for 0600 Thursday 3rd January 2008 through to 0600 Friday 4th January 2008.

There is a 20% risk of disruption due to snow over Oxfordshire although some uncertainty over how much snow will fall and again how fast it will turn to rain. Note this is the risk of disruption not the risk of snow, the risk of snow is of course higher.

Watch this space and we will see what tomorrow brings.

The Review of 2007

Well a whole year of articles on the 'One mind, Many Thoughts' blog.

247 articles, many many pages. It all started with a quote

"It is only as we develop others that we permanently succeed"
- Harvey Samuel Firestone

It ended with a personal article about someone I met on a train and how it reminded me of the personal ads.

So what were some of my favourite articles of the year; political, internet links, Snow watch 2007 or comedy sketches.

It is difficult to just pick one article but if I had to pick one, just one where I was on fire, it would have to be one of the ones I wrote myself.

To be fair I am going to have to choose two, one that typifies my strange sense of humour and one that demonstrated my willingness to debate and dissect current affairs issues.

Random Thought: Horses and sheep

UK General Election May 2008 I choose this article because at the time when everyone was saying there would be a November 2007 election I said there wouldn't and with hindsight it turned out I was right. On an additional note May 2008 looks promising but it cannot be judged until nearer to the actual day, it all depends what happens in the first few months of 2008.

That was 2007, who knows what might happen in 200. Like I always say I don't know where I am going but it will be fun finding out.

The people you accidentally meet while travelling

I'm guessing a lot of people will know what I mean when I say sometimes when travelling but train or bus you meet somebody lovely. Usually it is me watching the man and woman who have just met talking like best friends for two hours but today on a First Great Western train from the West to Reading it was me.

One of those moments which you don't expect but are unmissable, possibly one of the moments in life which take your breath away.

I didn't get her phone number, I did see if she wanted a drink and although she said she was tempted she was on her way to a rugby match so had to decline. She flashed me a smile and was off.

While day dreaming my way through the rest of the journey I thought about the fairy tale lonely hearts where people say they saw someone on the train etc.

Specifically I was thinking of the impulse advertisements that have been running in the uk over the last two years. If you don't know what I mean here is one to watch.

So what would be my advert for today's little encounter, how about these two:

• Aspiring dress designer -
  

You had me in stitches.

• Train home girl -

You left tracks in my mind.

Pratchett and Vox Pox (Pops)

Christmas wouldn't be complete without the latest book from Terry Pratchett.

I can only add my best wishes to the many expressed in recent weeks now that it has been anounced the author has Alzheimer's.

Several articles I have written this year have touched about how everyone has a voice in the new media. They have such a strong voice that the non expert man or woman in the street are now more trusted and respected to give an opinion. I have made clear that this imbalance leads us to take advice from people who know little about the sometimes complex situations that occur.

After all if you want your boiler fixed you call a heating engineer. If you want to know about the Northern rock crisis you ask a financial expert.

Rewind a bit, If you want to know about the Northern rock crisis you ask people in a que who are scared and desperate to get there money back (rightly so given the lack of credible support by the government, not exactly helped by media doom mongering).

The best decisions can only be made with the best information, although citizen journalism opens up all the information making it available to every one it becomes harder to find the nuggets of information which are the truth.

In information terms we are potentially turning into lemmings all willing to jump on the latest band wagon. The people who shout the loudest and are given enough air time will be listened to. The new media is all about spin and not substance to the detriment of society as a whole.

Of course this may not be a problem, because experts have an agenda, they mislead the public at least if we all doing it, it is democracy in action.

The problem is citizen journalists also have agendas, unlike experts they have no reputation to loose if they are found to be wrong, they can hide behind different screen names, groups and accounts. If it all goes wrong you will find them blaming someone else, they take no blame or liability they were only expressing what everyone was saying or thinking.

The media in turning us away from the establishment is leading us into a very large, very dark, very scary mine field. You can ask the non expert what happens if you go into a mine field without a map, no need to track down an expert for this one.

Terry Pratchett in his latest book has hit on a very apt description for all these Vox Pops you see in newspapers, news tv and online. (I renamed it Vox Pox because it is more like a disease)

"...Vox Pops - which meant people in the street who didn't know anything told other peole what they knew - and lengthy articles by people who also didn't know anything but could say it very elegantly in 250 words."

Making Money 2007, Terry Pratchett.

Something I could really use right now

You would be forgiven that I might be in desperate search of aspirin to cure the over indulgence of Christmas. You would be mistaken, instead I am looking for something to save me from the repetitive adverts from the likes of B & Q, Debenhams and PC World.

Unless you have been on another planet since Christmas Eve (in which case lucky you) every television advert has been full of the delight of the post Christmas sales. Several companies have gone for the brain washing technique of playing repetitive adverts again, again and again, until the entire advert is seared into the back of your eyes.

It has reached the point where I feel the need to buy something, anything just to make the adverts go away. Surely such adverts are outlawed under the Human Right Acts, surely such repetitive brain washing could be described as a 'cruel and unusual form of torture'.

There would be a market for a widget attached to your TV, which if you scanned a recent receipt from the said company the TV would play soothing pictures of animals at play or some other screen saver type advert instead of the insistent screaming to 'buy, buy, buy' before time runs out.

There has to be a research paper in this somewhere. Even if I ask my readers to name without thinking 3 retail organisations that have a sale starting after Christmas with massive bargains.

It seems to have paid off as well, on the news I heard several retail managers drooling over the fact that they were finding it difficult to pack in any more people into their stores on boxing day.

Anyway with this alternative seasonal message I wish all my readers best wishes of the winter festival and happy new year.

Journeys into the West

It is the time of year when I take a journey from Oxfordshire to Devon via First Great Western.

It is always nice to see what has changed for the better or worse since the last time I let the train take the strain.

The Adelantes are still around although apparently not for much longer. They don't appear to be well liked by travellers but I have always found them to be very comfortable.

From Reading to Exeter St Davids was on a refreshed FGW HST. It is not a bad job the new seats are comfy and not too cramped and the décor has been modernized. The only minor criticism I have is the choice of door colour, it is a bright lurid pink. I personally the old double yellow line colour they used to have. I suspect that the pink doors will date very badly and in a year or so will look very dated.

Exeter St Davids and you would have thought you had stepped back into the 1980's. There were dozens of Class 142 Leyland bus type trains hanging around. These were used after the end of loco hauled services in the 80's but were soon moved out of the region due to excessive wheel wear and track damage.

Having done a bit of research it would appear FGW have bought them back mainly because they are dirt cheap and because they simple don't have anything better. It appears that although Network rail were not impressed with the move they allowed the stock move after certain assurance were put in place by FGW.

Anyway these Class 142 pacers were effectively made from British Leyland bus parts for the cheapest possible costs. To take the suspension as an example they are two large spring on each bogie set. The ride quality is not that great. The interior is also very bus like with large bus seats and bus doors.

All in all a 1980's train which should have been scrapped at the end of the 80's. The ride quality is terrible, there are no interior comforts and by all accounts the reliability is poor as well. Typical first great western go for cheap and ignore the customers. Why the government continues to allow them to treat customers like dirt is unbelievable.

I should also mention that they do not perform well in a crash, imagine crushing a tin can. The report after a crash in 1999 recommended they should be phased out because of this.

Whichever way you look at it these trains should not be running in 2007.

Rumour has it FGW does intend to refurbish the units but other than recover the seats and fill the worst of the holes there is probably not a lot they can do.

Public Sector Pay Reviews

The government has been busy insisting lately that all public sector pay reviews should be kept to as near the 2% target inflation level as possible. The cold hard logic is that because there are so many public sector workers the more money they are given, the greater the inflationary pressure.

The first problem with this is that it doesn't reward workers in the public sector. In fact really given that other inflation figures are higher including the RPI index at 4.0% it probably gives anyone working in the public sector a pay cut. So not only are public sector workers under appreciated with less job security they must now take a pay cut year on year.

The second problem is that it is a very short term knee jerk reaction which does not make economic sense in the long term.

Lets start with a premise which we can all agree on and then apply the New labour policy to see what happens.

Premise:

We want a public sector which rewards and values employees. In doing this we recognise we will not be able to compete on salary but workers will not be penalised simply because they work for the greater good.

We will treat employees as individuals encouraging innovation, recognising that a strong capable workforce will mean a strong Great Britain

New Pay Scheme:

No salary settlement to be higher than lowest rate of inflation.

Implications:

• Differential between Public and Private sector increases in the same way that the differential between house prices and earnings have increased
• Employee motivation decreases, if salary does not change employee become priced out of the economy (eg housing) and so have to seek promotion on a new grade or move to the private sector. Staying in the same post is not a viable option.
  
• Low paid jobs attract poor employees who cant compete for average jobs. There is a tendency for public sector employers to hire or retain poor employees rather than have no one in post.
• Low paid jobs cannot be filled, greater reliance on temps which cost up to X1.5 more.
• Employees who remain in the same post for their career i.e. police officers, paramedics decide to leave the industry.
• Organisations cheat: they award pay rises outside of the annual payment to keep employees effectively negating any economic effect the annual policy has.
• When employee leaves, the job cannot be filled, the salary is then regraded to a salary which the old employee would have liked but was not allowed. So the public sector is willing to pay more for a new person with less experience. The policy does not retain employees.
  
• Public sector will never be world class. You get what you pay for, you pay third rate wages you get third rate service.
• The average employees suffer, these pay settlements don't effect the fat cats only the front line staff.

In reality you may save money by restricting salary growth but you end up paying more in hidden costs and your public sector improvement / reform policies suffer.

Public sector pay as an economic tool is a blunt instrument. There is an argument for making sure that things don't get out of hand by applying a cap or by phasing large pay rises. However, the bottom line is that the policy does not treat people as individuals.

There are much better ways of managing the economy without penalising a section of society who choose to give up private sector wages for the greater good.

Virgin Cross Country franchise demise

On November 11th several operators disappeared from the UK railway network in the latest round of franchise quick shuffle.

One of them was Virgin Cross Country. I have travelled on them quite a few times and they operated some of the busiest routes. They were busy because of Virgin's investment in the franchise with new trains, new tickets / pricing and marketing.

At the start of the franchise commentators said you could not move a Virgin brand on to the railways because the railways are slow, boring and expensive. Things that have never been part of the Virgin brand.

Critics said putting the Virgin brand on track could only ever bring the rest of the Virgin group down.

However, the critics were wrong the Virgin Cross Country brand prospered. It was certainly a hard journey and things could have gone better but it was a success. So with a successful popular operator you would have thought they stood a good chance for keeping the franchise.

Sadly this was not to be and Virgin Cross Country left the scene on November 11, 2007.

I have always felt that brands like Virgin keep the competition honest. Virgin puts quality and value above profit, Virgin stands for customer commitment which cannot be said for a lot of other brands in the transport industry such as First and their terrible franchise First Great Western.

There is a great debate about how franchise holders like FGW are allowed to continue and expand whilst operators like Virgin are always beaten at the post. Like most things it is about politics and money. The government puts cheaper cost above quality of service, they may argue otherwise but in the end they prefer cheap over customer satisfaction.

Police Radio Sketch

I thought I had posted some sketches I was writing about police officers, but trying to find it again I don't think I have. I found one of the bits of papers while having a clean out. It really is amazing what I find when I go through a pile of paper, I am always writing things down and forgetting about them.

The Police Radio Sketch

transcript log number 001234356/07 11.11.07 1205

Control:

For those of you interested there are only two quickie portions left in the canteen.

ZT12: ZT12 to Control, save me one.

RT5: RT5 to control, I outrank ZT12 me first.

ZT14: ZT14 to control, I never turn down a quickie.

SS01 (Sgt):

SS01 to all units, Boys and girls, I believe Mary in Control meant quiche as in cheese and onion. The names of the respondents has been duly noted and I congratulate them for volunteering for the latest round of diversity courses.

ZT14: So no chance of a quickie in the canteen then?

Control:

Urgent assistance required any units available for an immediate quickie in the canteen with ZT14.

[dead air, occasional sniggers from unknown units]

SS01: SS01 to ZT14, Does that answer your question?

SS01: SS01 to Control, Mary I have added your name to the list as well.

Control: Control to SS01, Roger Dodger.

How low can you go?

The barometer has dropped down to 970 mb which is 10 mb past "stormy" which I guess makes it very stormy.

However just now outside it is looking quite peaceful, a bit gloomy but not particularly windy or wet. According to the UK pressure chart I am at the centre of the low.

The barometer is suggesting it will shortly come on to a blow and it is time to batten down the hatches. I hope its not like the other night, the wind was so strong against the window I kept dreaming about trains rushing by.

Virtual Worlds

I have been thinking a bit about virtual worlds and virtual relationships. I got bored with second life, couldn't really get into it. I have always liked chat room and remember the aol uk Pub from some years ago now.

I installed IMVU about a year ago to try it out and really it was terrible, there were no chat rooms and everyone seemed to be under 16. They have done a lot of advertising and I thought I would give it another chance. Now they have public rooms and the population is generally more over 18.

I have found a nice club where you can listen to music and chat.

Anyway IMVU got me thinking, everyone in a virtual world picks an avatar who is kind of their perfect ideal, no picks an ugly avatar.

Some people separate the virtual world from the real world. They talk to people, but they never become real friends, they would never think of meeting them, it is a completely separate world.

Some make friends and fall in love, although relationships start in the virtual world they cross over into the real world.

What about when we have real virtually reality, you might be able to do everything in a virtual world and because it is an ideal world you might not want to be in reality. Will there be parts of virtual reality that stipulate only life realistic avatars are aloud. How about a relationship that only exists in a virtual world because you live thousands of miles apart.

Will the virtual and real world collide, how will we operate in such a connected future. How will we relate to people?

Things I am reminded of when I have had the worst day

Here are a few things that come to mind when I have had the worst day:

It will always look better in the morning after a good night's sleep.

If by Rudyard Kipling

"...Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools..."

Dr Evil from Austin powers:

"... Throw me a frickin' bone here! .."

Finally, I remind myself that I am me and something will hopefully present itself shortly to make life seem that little bit brighter.

I believe in myself and the fact that things have a habit of working out. Sometimes the biggest struggle is just turning up.

Emma 'Mind the Gap' Clarke Spoof announcements

You may have heard the story this week about how Emma Clarke who does the voice for announcements on the tube has not had her contract renewed. There was speculation that it had to do with her putting up some spoof announcements on her own website.

Spoof London Underground Announcements

I particular like the very last one, "Here we are again..."

Misheard lyrics 3

Sometimes it is very difficult to hear song lyrics, although the internet pretty much means you can now look up the correct version. Here is another that I have misheard.

I'ts beginning to get to me - Snow Patrol.

Actual Lyric:

"And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
Barely touching in our cold bed"

My version:

"And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
Barely touching on Uncle Ben's"

Why they should be singing about an argument on Uncle Ben's microwave rice I'm not entirely sure but that is what it sounds like.

Then again it is amazing what little things can set arguments off. Maybe somebody burnt the microwave rice, which started this massive argument and now they are barely talking about microwave rice.

I think I better get my coat now.

The Future of the Car - Part 2

Source: New Scientist, Vol 196 No 2630, 17 November 2007. pp 28-30.

I wrote an article about the future of the car, in July 2007 where I mused about the future of computer controlled cars.

According to the New Scientist article the computer controlled car has come one step closer.

DARPA, the US defence research agency has been running an Urban challenge which builds on their previous challenges for computer controlled cars.

The Urban Challenge was a 6 hour, 100 km race along the roads of a simulated city. All participants must navigate roads, obey the laws of traffic and avoid each other. Not only are there the normal route finding tasks but also individual tasks like parking. Six teams managed to cross the finish line.

There are some features that were not tested that will be needed before we get civilian production models. The cars were not tested against moving objects like people or pets, plus none of the cars reached speeds that would be acceptable out in the normal world.

Having said all that, those tests could come next, so the future is a step closer.

The author of the article had this to say about the driver less future:

"It will also be a long, and maybe un-winnable, battle to persuade people to give up their love affair with driving."

Driving, yes but what about commuting. Who wouldn't want to flip a switch and then fall asleep on the way to and from work. What about nights on the town, cant drink because you have to drive, not any more, let the computer drive you home.

Can't pass your driving test or simply cant be bothered, buy a computer controlled car.

Lost your licence buy a computer controlled car.

I think the author clearly, a keen driver underestimated all the times people cant drive or just hate to drive. It is a much stated fact that people drive because they have to, now there would be an alternative, let the computer drive.

Lets face it who wouldn't want their own chauffeur?

Plus what about costs, lets assume that the computer controlled car is the ultimate in safe driving. Insurance costs would drop, fuel costs would drop as computers are more efficient at fuel efficient driving and the government might even introduce a tax reduction for computer controlled cars.

It may be a slow start but people will give up driving, or at least driving will become a hobby something to enjoy on the weekends or on holidays, not on the boring traffic jam on the way to work.

Friday's Work day prayer

While trudging to work at the end of a long week I was thinking of a prayer to get me through the day. Don't worry I am not about to get all religious on you I was remembering some joke prayer about asking for the strength to get through the day despite all the idiots or something like that.

A bit of google work later... there are a few versions of a joke email that gets forwarded everywhere which is in turn a corrupted version of a famous prayer called 'The Serenity Prayer'.

The Joke Version:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

You can see how apt this is when you are facing another day at the organisation where the phrase 'bureaucracy gone mad' was invented.

The Original Version:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

The second version is a nice little prayer even if you don't believe in God.

This all got me to thinking that really in the poem the word god could be replaced by something like " God, any other religious deity, any being or anything that has the power to help me".

In my simple thoughts of religious matters I ponder whether belief in a god is necessary for a prayer to take place. After all a prayer could be described as asking for something where the outcome is not certain. After all if a close relative is dying we still will them to survive even if we do not start our thoughts with "Dear God".

Which made me think of a thought experiment about whether atheists pray. If a person had for whatever reason jumped out of a plane without a parachute and was plummeting to the ground with about four minutes to live what would they be thinking. Well you would be thinking I hope something happens to save me which in a sense is a prayer. Proof positive.

Of course testing this would require speaking to people who are falling to their impending death. Given that most people don't willingly jump out of a plane without a parachute this could be a bit difficult.

All those thoughts because of another tedious Friday.

Note: If this article has caused any offence to anyone, this was not my intention. It was merely a random thought from my brain.

Some quotes about genius

Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them.

-Albert Einstein

A man of genius makes no mistakes; his errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.

-James Joyce

Genius... is the capacity to see ten things where the ordinary man sees one.

-Ezra Pound

Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple.

- C. W. Ceran

It makes you think doesn't it.

Snow Watch 2007/08 season

It would appear we kick off to an extremely unheard of early start.

Reporting live from North Oxfordshire is Dermot Dermot-son.

"Yes, here in a rather quiet part of Oxfordshire, locals are witnessing what can only be described as sleety-snow.

The locals are in shock, even the octogenarian local weather man has checked his records and cannot find another occurrence in all his 70 years of records of sleet/snow in November.

This is Dermot Dermotson reporting live from a sleety Northern Oxfordshire."

Is this an early start to a very harsh snowy winter. Or it could just be slightly freakish occurence, maybe we will have a rain of toads later.

Ok so not the best of pictures, you will have to take my word for it. That the white lines going across that light is the first snow / sleet type stuff of the year.

When you are bored of the internet.

When you have surfed your way all over the internet.

When you still feel there is still one more page to look at.

When you feel there has to be one page, just one final page to make sense of it all.

When the google 'I'm feeling lucky' is just not enough any more.

When you don't know where to go, but you want to throw the dice one last time.

When the dice is spinning on a point and it comes up seven... Just.... Click here.

The Art of War by Sun Tzu

II Waging War

11. On the other hand, the proximity of an army causes prices to go up; and high prices cause the people's substance to be drained away.

12. When their substance is drained away, the peasantry will be afflicted by heavy exactions.

Notes by Zephyrist:

The first one is quite simple, armies eat resources causing prices to rise generally ruining the country and impoverishing the people. In extreme this leads to starvation and desolation of the land.

Apparently, I had to look this up, exaction means a heavy an unjust demand. Basically the local populace aren't really obliged to support the army but end up doing so. As an extension to this the local populace will probably resent the army which as Sun Tzu has mentioned previously will lessen the chances of success.

To summarise Sun Tzu believes that large armies are to be used, not just hang around waiting for a battle.

Recursive dreaming

I read in New Scientist magazine about the linked blogger who wondered how many levels in a recursive dream you could have.

Basically a recursive dream is a dream within a dream.

My dreams are fairly good and I can exercise some limited control over them or at least I have had some dreams so many times that I can rewrite them.

My recursive dream tends to be about getting up and doing all your morning preparations and then leaving the house. In some ways its quite a natural dream in the sense that your brain is waking up and preparing itself to get ready, so it is creating a mental to-do list and running through it which is expressed as a dream. The other thing is that morning routines are fairly regular and repetitive so most of it could be done subconsciously in your sleep not really having to wake up until you eventually arrive at work.

Anyway the dream is quite simple, I get up, get shower, shave, clean teeth, get dressed, go downstairs, get breakfast, collect final bits and leave house for work.

So I am busy dreaming this very real dream which feels just like a normal day, I leave the house and then I wake up. This is where the recursive bit comes in, because although I wake up I start the dream over again, so I wake up, get up etc until the point I leave the house again except then I wake up.

Its difficult to say how many times I have managed to repeat this dream but I think at least three times in one morning. Of course by the time you are actually awake all you can think is that you have done all this three times already.

Another repeating but not recursive dream I keep having is an old favourite about failing an exam. It varies from turning up late or not preparing, I know it means that I am just worrying about some detail that I haven't finalised yet.

It has become such a common dream that now I often start telling myself not to worry as I passed these exams years ago. As these dreams are in the past it is a past me with future knowledge. I have to say that the past me never recognises this time paradox.

Dreams are such strange things and I always find mine fascinating.

Salary Converter V2.0 - Convert annual to hourly, weekly, anything

I finished the major upgrades today.

You can now convert from hourly, daily, weekly, 4-weekly, monthly or annual to hourly, daily, weekly, 4-weekly, monthly and annual pay figures.

In addition I have incorporated amendments for part time and non standard working weeks. The original version had an assumption that everybody worked 37 hours a week and five days a week. Clearly for people that did not their daily rates and hourly rates would be wrong.

A nice little project which will be extremely useful when job hunting. Now I can compare rates between jobs however they put the pay on the advert.

Unless anybody else has any suggestion I really cant see any further improvements to be made. Jobs a good 'un as I always say.

This Week 50 years ago (New Scientist)

In this weeks New Scientist the accidental discovery of super glue is told.

Apparently a polymer was discovered and thus standard tests were undertaken to establish the physical properties. The refractive index was being measured by squeezing a sample between two prisms.

The extraordinary adhesive property was only found when they tried to separate the prisms after the test. It could not be done.

Just think how easy it might have been for someone just to throw the prisms away without realising the significance of them being stuck together.

Humanistic design touches

I have been thinking some more about noises that things make which perhaps could have been designed in or out but somehow survived into the final product.

My MP3 player says"bye" but not"hello", it could have said "powering down" or just switched itself off. I wonder if bye is translated in foreign versions.

I used to own a motherboard which spoke on start up, until it entered into a suicide pack with my graphics card.

On start up it used to say,

"Power on self test complete, Computer now booting from operating system."

I miss that re-assuring voice. Of course you could have chosen different words how about:

"I have spun my drives, as far as I can tell you have a graphics card processor and some memory now lets see if the operating system wants to start today."

"Hardware OK, now cross your fingers, operating roller coaster system about to start"

"Hardware confirmed, now launching missiles"

"Hardware confirmed, Operating system starting. Do you feel lucky?"

"Hardware confirmed, please insert coffee."

"This is your computer talking. Pre flight systems have been checked, If you care to check out the Windows on your left, we will be serving Java shortly."

Sorry went off on a tangent there.

Salary Converter

I run meltdownclock.co.uk with a friend of mine, it is based on an idea I had which has never really taken off. Although to be fair we never really pushed the advertising all the limits.

I sometimes programme things just because I want to challenge myself. One project I got an idea is for a salary converter, so you can convert annual salary to monthly pay, or hourly rate to monthly pay. This would have been particularly useful to know when I was temping. I knew how much I needed to take home each month to live on but didn't know what that would equate to as an hourly rate.

So I thought why not write a perl script to work it all out.

So here it is

Salary converter.

It will convert from hourly, weekly, monthly and annual to hourly, daily, weekly, monthly and annual pay. if you see what I mean.

I have some ideas for the next version two, I want to accommodate part time and non standard working weeks. Plus I might add 4 weekly to the list as some people are still paid that way.

Watch this space as they say.

Lets talk to some 10 year olds about technology

This is one of those articles which makes you feel old even when your not really. Ten year olds do not remember rotary phones, they are blissfully unaware of what life was like BI (before internet).

The BBC news website team, to celebrate their ten years of existence rounded up some ten years olds and talked to them about future technology.

One of the things they showed these kids was a rotary dial phone:

"I've seen these in movies but never used one before," said one. Another added: "I've seen one in Heartbeat. It must be hard to remember numbers."

My parents had a rotary phone in the 80's when I was a kid. Numbers were not hard to remember, I know its out of fashion but we memorised them.

I know several numbers off by heart, my home phone, my mobile, my work phone, several old work numbers. After all before mobile phones I had a phone card and a charge card, if we needed a number we memorised it or wrote it down.

I also remember when every phone call was from a withheld number and the only way to find out who was calling was to pick up the damn phone.

In recruitment trying to arrange interviews can be a nightmare, the idea of a mobile is for people to be contactable, not for them to stare at the screen because it is a withheld number and then let it go to answer phone or worse just ignore it. I would not mind but anyone that has applied for a job should expect calls from withheld numbers because those are the numbers recruiters call from.

So here is a test to see how old you are: Do you know off by heart your mobile and home phone number?

How many people have had the following conversation on their mobile:

Other person: "What's your number?"
You: "Hang on, I will have to look?

Maybe I am whinging on about things, but is this not the first step of relying on technology too much.

These everyday tasks of memory work the brain muscle which in this electronic age is starting to waste away.

We have been through a lot of temps recently at work and one of the first things we have to tell them is to write things down. Even with all the electronic assistance we have you still need to keep, process and organise a lot of information in your head. If you are not able to memorise your own phone number it is going to be an uphill struggle.

I feel a bit like an old man writing this article but maybe its because technology moves on at such a rate that the only people who are young any more are the ten year olds. Even teenagers are out of date, technology has moved on.

The Roy G. Biv theory

This is one of those half baked ideas that I have.

I cant decide whether this idea is:

a multi million pound paper back book Christmas special finally giving ordinary people the key to live a happy, successful life...

Or...

a parody of the million pound paper book back... blah blah blah etc etc etc...

Or...

a collection of odds and sods reorganised into something that is completely worthless...

Or...

just an interesting coffee break thought.

For those of you that don't know 'ROY G BIV' represents the colour and order of a rainbow (although according to wikipedia there may be some argument about this).

R - Red
O - Orange
Y - Yellow

G - Green

B - Blue
I - Indigo
V - Violet

Now inspiration particles (Terry Pratchett reference) hit in completely random places, this one hit me on a bus on the way to work in bright sunshine on a late October day. It was inspired by the following musical lyric.

"...And it was all yellow... "

-Yellow, Coldplay

So anyway on to the theory.

The Roy G. Biv Theory

Take any day and assign it a colour from 'ROY G BIV' according to the following colours and meanings.

Red -

Red is for passion, not just love but any day when you are passionate about something. It can be a thirst for making a change in your life or passionately arguing to change somebodies mind. It does not representative destructive anger or negative argumentative passion.

A red day is a positive day.

Orange -

Orange is about ideas and creativity. Orange screams listen or look at me. Orange are for those days where your energy and creativity are strongest. You mind solves intricate problems with ease.

An orange is a positive day.

Yellow -

Yellow is sunshine, happiness and contentment. Yellow is about being at ease with yourself and enjoying your day. Maybe nothing special happens but a yellow day is a pleasant emotionally stable day.

A yellow day is a positive day.

Green -

Green is the colour of change. Green is about changing not necessarily for the better. Green days are tough days that take a lot of energy and concentration potentially for little reward.

A green day is a neutral day.

Blue -

Blue is the colour of sadness. It can be a very emotional time, negative often associated with depression or tears. Blue days are emotionally draining days where you would rather be wrapped up under the duvet shutting yourself off from the world.

A blue day is a negative day.

Indigo -

Indigo is the colour of spiritualism. It is about deep thought sometimes with a detachment from reality. Indigo days are characterized by a feeling of not being a part of the every day world. A day of being lost in your own world.

An indigo day is a neutral day.

Violet -

Violet is the colour of anger. It is about anger barely contained, an explosion waiting to happen. Violet days are characterized by a general grumpy feeling, a tense day where you could lash out at anyone and everyone.

A violet day is a negative day.

Now do this for a week taking the predominant colour of each day and you will have a list like so

Colour
RRGBOYII

+/-
++ . - + + .. giving a total score for the week of +3.

Obviously the more positive your week the better, and for negative weeks you can look closely at your problem areas.

As the weeks go by you will start to see patterns to the days and emotions which will enrich your understanding of yourself.

This framework is about starting a voyage of discovery about you and your emotions and how that ebbs and flows over a week.

...End of theory...

Now,do you see the problem I had at the start of this article. On a very superficial level my theory seems as good as any other mumbo jumbo that makes it into the paperback Christmas chart but when you look a bit close isn't all just a load of made up nonsense.

All the colours are an adaption or reorganisation of existing colour theory or just what the colour sometimes means to me.

Either way I am going to park it here on my blog, make of it what you will.

Just in case, if it does turn out that the idea is worth millions, please note the copyright and intellectual property contained here in belongs to me, and I will sue.

Remembrance Day - 11 November 2007.

There are a couple of things that I feel are a moral responsibility for individuals in this world. One is to vote and another is to remember those that have died to give us and people around the world, to protect the freedom to vote among other things.

No matter how you feel about war our brave men and women serve in the armed forced to protect our freedom. Words are not enough, but we should never, ever forget the sacrifices they have made and will continue to make in the future.

Please buy a poppy this November and take just one moment to remember the fallen.

Bring Back 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?'

I have been watching the run of the American version of 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?' on FiveUS. It is just as good as the older UK version.

For those of you who have never come across this show it is about improvisational comedy. A panel of four comedians are given a series of party games where a character or situation is given to them and they have to improvise the scene.

Some of the games have included, the Hoedown where they have to sing a hoedown based on a suggestion from the audience for example singing about being a fast food worker.

Another games is helping hands where one comedian provides the hands for another comedian from behind their back. Usually involving food or other props these games could get a bit messy.

The great thing about the show was this it was very hard, comedians had to think quickly on their feet to make you laugh and sometimes in failing they made you laugh even harder.

There were some regulars on the panel including Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles and Greg Proops which allowed for running jokes and a more intimate feeling about the show.

There has never been a show that has come close to replacing it and I think it should be bought back. Mix some of the old stars with the new talent that has built up in the late 90's and 00's. This type of comedy show is comedy on the edge it is all about whether comedians are still funny without a script. This is the heart of comedy finding the funny in any situation and making people laugh.

The show was always less pretentious than modern so called comedy quiz shows, it was notscripted, packaged and prepared. No one scored points off an obvious stooge participant, it was simply about making people laugh.

Come on some UK network programme commissioner bring back 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?'. I personally guarantee there is a gap in the market for a simple less packaged programme that just makes you laugh.

The Art of War by Sun Tzu

II Waging War

9. Bring war material with you from home, but forage on the enemy. Thus the army will have food enough for its needs.

10. Poverty of the State exchequer causes an army to be maintained by contributions from a distance. Contributing to maintain at a distance causes the people to be impoverished.

Notes by Zephyrist:

The first paragraph simply states that bring important things like armour and weaponry from home but feed off the land. More basically only transport that which you cannot reliably get on or near the battlefield.

The second paragraph is a bit more cryptic. Sun Tzu may have been saying something simple, with money tax the people near the army to prevent the state exchequer and the people becoming impoverished. Alternatively, he may just be saying the greater the distance between the army and the home land the more impoverished the state will become, so only make war close to home.

As usual Sun Tzu is open to interpretation.

Great Coffee

First up, I would never advertise a product or service I didn't love, so I am not on commission or anything.

I love Coffee and I have to say the best chain coffee bar for quality, price and value by far is AMT Coffee. Ok so they may not have one one every high street and they may only have kiosks not proper coffee shops but if you are lucky to have one near you then you should try it now.

My favourite style is cappuccino and AMT gets it right nearly every time. AMT are one of the only coffee shops to offer a choice of sprinkles for your cappuccino: chocolate, cinnamon or nutmeg. I changed from chocolate to cinnamon sprinkles and have not looked back.

The only snag is that the cappuccino comes to the top of the cup, so when you put the lid on the sprinkles stick to the lid. One of AMT's big point of difference between it and its competitors is that they listen to their customers. For example, they went organic and changed their snacks stock in response to customer feedback.

I thought I would test the customer feedback out. I collected one of their feedback forms and sent it in suggesting that either the cups or the concave lid should be redesigned so that the sprinkles remained on the foam.

I promptly got a letter back with two free drinks tokens and a good, slightly customized letter, hand signed. Ok so I haven't written many letters before to companies but I did write one to First Great Western once, who wrote back and told me I was clearly wrong.

So well done AMT, you obviously do listen to and value your customers.

I will keep you updated as to whether they change the design of the cup or the lid.

Humanistic Design

Humanistic Design is about how we as people relate to things like technology. Our interaction with technology is a whole science about human interfaces and usability.

Humans intuitively know how things should work. We pick up a camera and we know when we press the button not only should the button go click but we should hear the shutter open and closing.

The thing is technology is now so advanced that the camera doesn't need to go click and make a shutter noise. So why does it? Well quite simply if it did not we as humans would feel uncomfortable without quite knowing why. Therefore the camera would become an alien object to us and sub consciously we might buy the camera that does have the noises even if there is an option to turn them on and off.

The other strange thing about human design is what we expect technology to look and sound like. Take a gadget like an MP3 player, generally silver, small with sexy curves is a good thing. The MP3 player I bought a while ago followed this design ethos, it was small sleek with simple buttons.

However, I discovered a humanistic design flaw. The design is essential a tube with the headphone jack at one end and the usb port at the other. The problem came when deciding what the headphone jack would look like, they went for a straight jack rather than an L-shape. After about two months all the twisting has broken the cable and I have had to go and buy some new headphones. I bought an L-shaped jack and although it breaks up the sleek lines it probably wont break so easily.

Take cars as well, we all know that a really great car will have a throaty engine roar. So engine designers make sports cars with throaty roars, whether they need a good roar to have a good engine is a mute point. Humans demand a good throaty roar so they must have it.

Humans are fascinating creatures, we have so many rules, traditions and customs which our mind creates to make life easier. Our interaction with things is just one study of psychology that I have always found fascinating.

Here are two example clips of humanistic design which are pointless but satisfying, prepare to release your inner geek.

Camera shutter

Phone shut

Misheard lyrics 2

Sometimes it is very difficult to hear song lyrics, although the internet pretty much means you can now look up the correct version. Here is another that I have misheard.

The Automatic - Monster.
Actual Lyric:

"What's that coming over the hill
Is it a monster? Is it a monster?"

My version:

"What's that coming over the hill
Is it a boxster? Is it a boxster?"

As in Porsche boxster, coming over the brow of a hill on the road. Seemed much more logical to me and it had the added benefit of making the song a solid driving song for true petrolheads.

20 years ago: The Great storm

On the BBC when I got up, on the news this evening, on the websites and just now I was reminded it was 20 years since the 'great storm' hit the south east of England.

Well I was in the South-West at the time where it was slightly less impressive, some trees did blow over and several roads were closed due to falling debris.

My point is yes, it was a devastating storm which killed people and destroyed property but why is it head line news today. Is it such a slow news day that we call history news, they must have been building up to this for months with all their documentaries and clips.

There are stories happening all over the world that the public need to know about and discuss. A 20 year old storm is a 1 hour documentary not national news.

I wonder sometimes whether we are raising the bar of sensationalist news so high that on most normal days nothing happens that the media feels is worth reporting. So I fear that there will be more days when it is X years since such an event occurred. News may become a five minute segment of past news.

It reminded me of a West Wing episode last night. Toby Ziegler was talking with the 4 network news editors about coverage of the republican and democratic conferences. They wanted to cut coverage down from 2 hours a night to 1 hour a night. In their words they wanted to show the acceptance of nomination speech and the balloons.

Everyone likes to see the balloons, if you have never seen the footage it is where balloons drop from the ceiling and everyone is wearing placards. Every conference would not be complete without balloons. In the UK strangely enough we are less cheer leaderish about our politics.

Toby, as I would be was incensed.

Yes, no. There isn't going to be a horse race to cover, either in New York or San Diego. But we gave you the air waves for free 70 years ago and 357 days a year you can say who's up and who's down, who won the West and who lost the South.
But what's wrong with 8 days, not every year but every 4 years, showing our leaders talking to us? Not a fraction of what they said, but what they said. And then the balloons.
- Toby Ziegler, West Wing (Quoted from Conventional viewing)

The man has a point for all that is great about humanity for all its achievements, successes and the great forum of debate that is the world, the media wish to cut current affairs programming and replace it with the latest reality TV Show.

If the public has no appetite in news it is not because it is uninteresting, it is because the media are failing in telling us the story, failing to involve us . Sensationalism has replaced debate and it can only get worse not better.

In about twenty years from now this year will be interesting, there was the great snow, the great flood x2, who knows what winter will be like. Perhaps on of the main news shows could be renamed '20 years ago today...'.

But remember 20 years ago was a great storm ...

How to ... pick your targets

The Simon Cowell approach.

Think of the job you want to apply for think of your skills, qualifications and experience for the job. Now Simon has the list of skills, qualifications and experience in front of him. You walk into the room and he ticks them off one by one. At the end of the interview he will either tell you, you have the job or tell you its not for you. Be honest because Simon will, are you good enough?

The reason I bring Simon Cowell into recruitment is because everyone has seen on the X-factor all those people who have deluded themselves that they are the next number 1 star and it is clear to everyone they are not. Applications are just the same, are you deluding yourself that you are the best?

The Way forward.

Create the check-list of skills, qualifications and experience for the job you want. Tick off the ones you already have, err on the side of caution or better still get someone else to objectively tick off the list.

For most jobs I recommend that you need at least half of the list ticked to stand a chance and that is just to get through to the next stage, not necessarily the job.

If you have less than half checked you have a few choices:

• Go for a lower position and work your way up.
• Do volunteer work in your spare time to give you some more relevant experience.
• Study for some of the qualifications.

Keep doing all of the above while you continue to make applications. Although you will get a lot of knock backs you are gaining experience and continue to add to the ticks on the list. Sooner or later you should get where you want to go but be prepared for the long haul.

If you are not prepared for the long haul and still have less than half checked really think about whether there is any point in applying. Consider how competitive the field is as well, will there be lots of high quality applicants? Your application as well as being considered in isolation will be compared to all the other applications. Recruiters do not have time to interview everyone who meet the minimum check-list criteria.

In the UK the public sector and sometimes the private sector create the check-list for you, it is the person specification. In short-listing the person specification is just checked against the application, depending on the number of applicants and the quality a score threshold is put in place and everyone above that score is invited to interview. So the higher your score the better chance you have of being interviewed.

So the first step in an application should be about being realistic about which jobs you are going to apply for. Pick your targets and put your efforts into securing that job. The scatter gun method of applying for every job rarely works.

A good application will take time to put together and therefore you need to choose carefully which jobs you apply for, after all you do not want to waste your time do you.

Next up How to ... write a good CV

How to ... Introduction

They sometimes say it is best to write about what you know, most of this blog is just random thoughts straying down my fingers and typed into words. A lot of the blog is simply a post it note for my brain, it saves having to remember everything.

I work in HR and I have previously shared some of my interview experiences offering some tips to people to give them a good chance at getting the job they want.

For one recent mass recruitment project I wrote a two page guidance note for people that did not get short-listed. Due to the numbers involved we were unable to offer specific feedback and too be honest the feedback for all of the 'regrets' (what we politely call failures) was exactly the same. They all made the same mistakes.

Recently I interviewed a candidate who had failed the first time round, on the short walk to the interview room they explained how I had helped them last time they applied, how they had taken the feedback away and really taken the information on board. They then explained how this was there nth application for the job and they were a bit nervous because it meant so much to them.

I had looked at both their new and old application form, they really had taken the advice and had nailed the application second time around.

At interview they nailed that too, although nervous they clearly emphasised their skills, experience and suitability for the job. It struck me that without that bit of advice I gave them originally they might have missed out on a job and we would have missed out on a great new employee.

Sometimes all people need is a bit of advice and no one in the recruitment world really gives practical advice especially in the early stages. The recruitment process is not perfect, we can only hire those who evidence their ability, if your not good at interviews or application forms we could easily miss you.

I have decided to write a short series of 'How to...' articles to help those that are looking for practical advice on how not to miss out on a job they could do.

First up 'How to ... pick your targets.'

The Art of War by Sun Tzu

II Waging War

7. It is only one who is thoroughly acquainted with the evils of war that can thoroughly understand the profitable way of carrying it on.

8. The skilful soldier does not raise a second levy, neither are his supply wagons loaded more than twice.

Notes by Zephyrist:

In warfare evil men flourish. Evil flourishes in chaos and the general populace always suffer.Sun Tzu states that anyone that has seen the full horrors of war knows this truism.

In the second paragraph Sun Tzu goes back to labouring the same point in a different way. A good warrior only needs one levy of soldiers to win and only one set of supplies. Presumably because the good warrior has chosen his perfect moment with the perfect strategy to get it right first time and secure victory.

Jericho - ITV4 Wednesday's 8pm

I have been watching this new US drama series for the last two weeks and it is turning into a must watch series.

Its starts off with following a prodigal son Jake Green returning home to a small town (population:5000) called Jericho a few hours away from Denver. Then a nuclear mushroom cloud is seen over Denver and all communication is lost without the outside world.

In the first episode is blind panic, the children are missing in a school bus somewhere, everyone can see the mushroom cloud but no one has any information and then the power goes out. One of the first panics is at the gas station where everyone is queuing for fuel. Although it is unclear where they might drive too. Certainly in both episodes no one appears to leave the district. The sheriffs department go off in search of the school bus but get caught up with some escaped criminals leaving the fire brigade to act as public order officials.

The mayor and his family including the prodigal son must then pull the town together to survive. Episode 1 ends with a stirring speech of the best community in the US from the mayor and then his son arrives with the missing school bus.

In Episode 2 the criminals roll into town looking for trouble and lethal radioactive rain storm is on its way from Denver, two hours to get everyone under cover in two small nuclear shelters. Despite some frantic repair work only the town hall shelter is functional leaving all the hospital staff, patients and other stuck with no place to go. Is the salt mine their last hope?

Meanwhile our hero Jake finds out about the criminals and heads out to rescue his friends, can he do it before the killer rain arrives?

This is a very interesting show which has potential, I shall keep watching to see how things turn out.

'Stray Matter' - utter genius!

Sometimes I come across a site where I think my photography could be so much better, sometimes I come across a site and think wow I'm never going to be this good. On very rare occasions I come across a site which makes me want to cry and throw away my camera because any photograph I ever take will only be one millionth as good as this.

Of course the rarest gem of all is a photo site with good picture descriptions. Yes, there are sites with good technical or factual descriptions. Yes, there are sites with OK poetic descriptions which complement the picture nicely but none where the link is seemless or where you cant separate the text from the picture.

A picture says a thousand words but a picture with a thousand words says a million words.

'Stray matter' is a photoblog that does all the above and more, it blows my mind far out the other side, how can a photoblog be this good.

Evocative is one word I could use, often haunting, combining the photo with the text puts you right into the picture making it a living breathing landscape.

Utter genius.

Thank you to Scotty for permission to use a thumbnail image.

Autum election not on the cards.

Smugly, I would like to point out that I was right.

Gordon Brown has now gone on record to state that that there will not be an autumn election. In his own words he acknowledged that he had a duty of care to consider a snap election but that on balance he wanted to show his vision for Briton before going to the electorate.

The Tories have regressed to childish politics and are accusing him of being a scaredy cat. I am sure if positions were reversed the Tories would have given it a miss as well.

As both sides know it was an outside shot at best and just a fishing expedition by the labour just in case conditions looked favourable. The Tories knowing this have been able to counter the move quite nicely.

In a game of two halves it looks like this one came out as a draw, although the Tories were on the defensive for the entire game. The Labour party thought they had nothing to loose but maybe went a play too far.

Of course nothing ever changes and we will be able to come back to this "will he / wont he?" next April in time for an early may election.

The prime minster was also asked by the BBC whether he would rule out an election for 2008.

"I think it's very unlikely that this will happen in the next period."

- Gordon Brown

In other words he has cleverly allowed himself leeway to call an election but made it clear as possible that the next year will not be a protracted election campaign.

The problem Gordon could come up against is that if the media and the Tories launch a campaign for election they could force Gordon hand. This is why he has tried to draw a line under the issue, Gordon knows that to win an election he must choose the right moment to call it.

Coconut Skins and the Coconut Factory

I was busy licking coconut skins (interviewing candidates) yesterday. It was a long day but there was some very good candidates who will be an asset to the organisation. Thankfully even the bad ones were not nutters, they were just not good enough this time.

The only tips that came out of yesterday was keep your hands still. At least two people were significantly fidgety that it was distracting me. I know as a candidate you may be nervous but it is best to avoid holding anything in your hands and not to play with your clothes.

I made the best fool out of myself yesterday, I temporarily lost my pen and the candidate needed one to sign some paperwork. The candidate pointed out it was already in my hand. Doh!

The chairs were a bit rubbish as well, one day in those was liking flying on a budget airline.

I was interviewing in one of the executive office blocks the organisation owns. The walls were covered in inspirational quote pictures, plenty of office space, newly decorated, the works. Just the kind of building occupied by people who go no where near the sharp end of the business and just issue edicts from their ivory tower.

Any workplace that has inspirational posters on the wall is either trying too hard or is detached from reality. Posters may even go as far as to suggest that management have used them as a sticking plaster to appease a disgruntled work force. Management seem to have this idea that inspirational posters really help.

Of course as it was all in an executive suite with guards and hyper efficient receptionists, security was very tight even the kitchen had a numeric key lock. I will be glad on Monday to return to the coal face, my trip into executive land seems like a scary psychedelic dream.

November General Election.

I am still thinking Gordon is on for a May election but my position has moved more towards a November date. Its still an outside chance but it is a possibility.

The Conservatives should be at the top of their game as with the conference they control the media cycle. Yet the media especially the red top ones are very anti Tory still. They were all busy wondering whether the Tory tax cuts make sense.

Gordon Brown despite ignoring parliament in making major policy announcements can do no wrong. No party seems to be be playing the Tony's crony card so labour are in a very strong position.

My position now would be if November was May there would be a general election.

Apparently according to the media the key day is next Wednesday, some important announcements go to parliament on Monday / Tuesday and certain media pundits are expecting Gordon to ride the wave of celebration into a general election campaign.

I am still not convinced but I am ready to eat my words.

Northern Rock possible funding sources

I have still been thinking a bit about Northern Rock mainly while looking through my spam folder. I don't open the emails as you should never open a spam email just in case but I do like looking at the senders and the subject lines.

Anyway lately I have been getting variations of "You're loan has been approved" or "We are happy to approve your loan" etc. Northern Rock must have had thousands of these offers in their spam box, did no one suggest taking advantage of such readily available credit facilities. (BTW I know there is no such loan or credit, its just a scam, I am trying to be humorous or should that be humourless.)