Saturday, June 30, 2007

Of all the interview rooms in all the world you had to walk into mine

Well while I was out of the office licking coconut skins I had a good fun day. I always forget how much I miss interviewing people, spending time getting to know them and finding out more about people that previously I have only ever known on paper.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"
-Opening line from "A Tale of two cities" by Charles Dickens
That would be an an apt description of the day, I saw some of the best candidates and some of the worst candidates I have ever seen. As I have said before we try to make our interviews friendly and less confrontational but it is important as a candidate not to treat it as a talk with friends. You have to ensure that you don't make throw away comments that may reflect badly on you with people that don't know you.

I myself do it all the time in interviews, in one particularly poor example of my own I made a joke about how managers notoriously come up with ideas and left it to other people to sort out the details (Ok we all know its true but it is still on the list of banned topics at interview). Of course as I was being interviewed by managers they picked up on it.

The other learning point from the interviews is the usual one of research, research and research again. These are the easy questions that should be easy to get points for and they are some of the more important ones. Examples include:

Why are you applying for the job?
What do you know about "company concept"?
What do you know about the company?
What have you done to prepare for today's interview?
What do you think about this company project/ advertising / other etc?
What do you think are the challenges that face our business?

If you don't do the research you wont know the answers and even worse you could be forced to waffle through a question which leaves the interviewer with the impression that you don't really want the job.

I have previously mentioned the canteen at this site talking about their tendency to cremate bacon. As you know I need my coffee to get through my interview days and I started off with a cappuccino.

How wrong can you go with a cappuccino, you put the coffee granules in the cup, pour the milk on top and stir a bit to make sure its mixed and then pour some extra frothed milk on top. Simple really, so why did I have barely dissolved coffee granules on the top of my froth.

Good job I am not the incredible hulk, I would have torn my interview suit.

Although the pannini at lunch was nice and the filter coffee is always a pleasure.

The Art of War by Sun Tzu

I Laying plans contd...

16,17 While heading the profit of my counsel, avail yourself also of any helpful circumstances over and beyond the ordinary rules.

According as circumstances are favourable, one should modify one's plan.

Notes by Zephyrist:

Sun Tzu recognises that these are not absolute rules and can only be used as guidelines or a philosophy. If there are circumstances which look favourable but our outside the scope of the guidance or contradictory then the possibilities should be explored.

Sun Tzu summarises by saying that circumstances will change and be more favourable than they were when you laid your original plan. If they do then don't be afraid to adapt and change your plan to take advantage. The art of war is to win without fighting, a perfect plan will make the battle redundant and therefore every opportunity should be made to hone the plan to perfection.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Out of the office: Tell 'em...

I am out of the office tomorrow doing interviews at another site. Which left me with the dilemma of what to leave on my voice mail. So what to tell people if they ask..

"but if anyone should ask..
tell them i've been lickin' coconut skins
and we've been hanging out
tell them god just dropped by to forgive our sins
and relieve us our doubt"
-Coconut Skins lyrics, Damien Rice
Well it is better than just saying I am out leave a message and I will get back to you. No, I don't know where Damien Rice gets his lyrics from but they are pretty out there.

While I am on the subject of answer phone messages to all those people that make up a message pretending it is actually them answering the phone and not a recording. I am taking names and you are being put at the top of the list. So come the revolution you will be the first in front of the firing squad and you will not be offered a blind fold. It is not particularly funny and if you have to ring the phone several times it is just annoying.

Tomorrow I have some more job applicants to torture, give me a film crew and I could have a whole new reality tv show. I could even have guest interviewers or interviewee's. We could interview a selection of candidates for top jobs. It would be great.

I am thinking interviewers could be Terry Wogan (Friendly irish interviewer), Ross Kemp (Scary interviewer), Bill Turnbull (Smart posh interviewer), Carole Kirkwood (Friendly weather girl), Richard Branson (Friendly businessman), Alan Sugar( No messing business man), Michael Portillo (Sensible politician) and for comedy value Prince Phillip or Prince Charles.

Interviewees could be Des Lynam, David Beckham, Anneka Rice, Lenny Henry, Victoria Wood, Bruce Willis, Phillip Schofield, Ant and Dec, and John Simpson.

You could create a fantasy job or interview them for one of their roles and see who does the best. Obviously it would be sensible interviewing not aggressive 'apprentice' style interviewing. Like all reality shows we would need someone like Davina McCall to give them a shoulder to cry on after I have grilled them.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Alan Johnston - kidnapped Gaza BBC reporter

Alan Johnston banner

It is the 105th day since Alan Johnston was kidnapped from a Gaza street. Today a video was released in which he was seen to be wearing what he described as an explosive vest which the kidnappers would detonate if anyone attempted to rescue him by force.

Alan is a reporter in one of the hardest places to work in the world, Gaza, he sought to tell the world the story of the people that lived there. He strives to see war and the world through the eyes of the people involved, not just the soldiers and politicians but the innocent civilians in the wrong place at the wrong time. In his own words he tried to get the whole picture from both sides asking the tough questions to gain an insight into life in Gaza

The motto of the BBC is "Nation shall speak unto Nation" with the kidnapping of Alan Johnston the people of Gaza have lost a voice to speak for them.

Any democracy or would be democracy must have freedom of the press, no good can ever come from the kidnapping of a reporter. I would implore the kidnappers and anyone who has any influence with them to work towards his immediate and safe release.

If you click on the banner above you can keep up to date with news on Alan Johnston and see further information on the campaign. There is a on-line petition with over 170,000 calling for his immediate safe release.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Interesting links: Weather Photos

Each week the BBC weather service chooses a photo of the week and shows the five runners up. There are some fantastic landscape shots submitted by members of the public.

It makes a small but perfectly formed 'interesting link', well worth a visit once a week.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

The Art of War by Sun Tzu

I Laying plans contd...

15. The general that hearkens to my counsel and acts upon it, will conquer: let such a one be retained in command! The general that hearkens not to my counsel nor acts upon it, will suffer defeat:-- let such a one be dismissed.

Notes by Zephyrist:

Promote and keep good generals, dismiss bad ones.

Of course in modern business this doesn't always work, bad managers get promoted because they have a good CV and strong interview skills. The difference would be what their old colleagues and subordinates think of them. If we could talk to those people regarding references and that culture became normal then bad managers would not get promoted.

You can apply Sun Tzu's consideration to recruiting a manager, a general / manager is nothing without his army. You must have knowledge of both to pick the strong general / manager.

Friday, June 22, 2007

US Defence Secretary Robert Gates doesn't do email (BBC)

In an article about how the Pentagon detected a cyber attack on its email system US Defence Secretary Robert Gates isquoted as saying that a variety of precautionary measures has been taken. The email system had been temporarily taken off line in order to secure the system.

As a final question in the interview Robert Gates was asked whether his email had been affected. In what must have been a throw away comment he replied:

"I don't do e-mail. I'm a low-tech person."
Secretary Gates probably has people to take care of mundane things like email. It is a good job the defence industry is very low tech these days, the US bow and arrow divisions have a commander well informed about the technology.

Secretary Gates like other people before him has been caught out with an off the cuff remark being recorded and thanks to the internet posted round the world for other people to be amused.
It would be interesting to find out what he actually thinks about email, the internet and what he means by calling himself a low-tech person. I guess he is probably a bit busy to tell me about that sort of thing though.

Senate passes energy bill, boosting mileage standards (CNN)

The CNN headline that popped into my email box this morning caught my eye, so I surfed my way across the internet pond to have a look.

CNN gives an insight into the fascinating differences between the UK and the US. This article is about fuel economy. The Senate has passed an energy bill which legislates the average mpg for cars, SUV's and pickups. The energy bill shows how American politicians are beginning to move away from oil and investing in other technologies for the future.

The UK does not regulate mpg, our culture has always been one with expensive fuel so fuel efficiency has for a longer time been a priority with no need for legislative guidelines. People choose diesel cars over petrol for reasons of economy. European cars have always been traditionally smaller compared to American gas-guzzlers giving higher efficiencies.

The CNN article gives a micro insight into the political environment of the US. The auto lobby had rounded up a posse of senators to threaten a filibuster (where a senator or senator talks a debate out of time). Senators had to be recalled to ensure the 60 vote margin needed to end the debate.

The bill will now pass to the house of representatives and then will then be formulated into a bill for signing into law by the president.

What was put in and left out of the energy bill gives a view of where in the debate about oil and climate change in the US stands.

In:

- fuel efficiency to average 35mpg by 2020

- Measures to prevent price gouging or excessive pricing of gasoline products

- funding for new technology fuel efficiency / alternate fuels

- Ethanol production to reach 36 billion gallons a year by 2022

- Support for carbon capture technologies

- half of new cars capable of running on 85% ethanol / bio diesel by 2015

- New appliance and efficient lighting standards plus a requirement for the Federal government to do more in its own buildings on efficient lighting.

Out:

- $32 billion package of tax incentives for renewable energy and clean fuels (with a 10 year tax of $29 billion on oil companies to pay for it)

- Requirement for utility companies to provide at least 15% of their energy from renewable sources

The bill seems to echo what President Bush has been saying for years, that technology will solve climate change not taxes and enforced renewable targets. In fact you might conclude that it seems that it is still unpalatable to suggest such things in the current US political climate. The oil and auto lobbies are still strong and desperately trying to protect their empires.

It looks like the winners for this bill were the farmers, electricity industry and the oil companies. Three very powerful lobby groups in the US.

For the American auto industry it puts further pressure on them to change and will inevitably decrease their profits. Will the American people put up with more expensive vehicles even though they get to keep their cheap fuel?

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

What bloggers do

Dave Winer, who according to the BBC is the father of blogging and a pioneer of RSS feeds, introduces a column on technology by giving an insight into how a blogger writes.

"I'm a blogger, therefore I like to write short two or three paragraph essays on things I care about. The BBC asked me to write an 800-word column on new technology I want, but being a blogger, instead I want to write about five or six things in 200 words each. That's what bloggers do."
My response to this is that although a lot of blog posts seem to be short the bloggers that are passionate about what they have to say write longer essays. To suggest that most bloggers do not write more than a few paragraphs about something they care about is at best a wide sweeping generalisation.

Some of my articles are very long especially if it is something I care about or really interests me. A lot of the subjects and articles I write would be very difficult to write as short articles especially given the research I occasionally put in.

If you want short articles you can read the main stream media.

Bloggers give a twist to the material offering opinion and ideas that you cant find on the main sites. That's what bloggers do.

For those interested word count: 222 (oh the irony).

A UK coast path?

The government is undertaking a consultation to see what the public think of a UK coast path. According to the proposal it would give access to an additional 30% of land currently out of bounds.

"We are an island - being close to the sea, being part of the coast is actually part of who we are."
- Barry Gardiner, UK Biodiversity Minister.
I did not know the UK had such a post, not exactly a high profile one. Still the man has a point for almost everyone in the UK the sea and the coast is a part of our soul. Although if you live in the middle of Oxfordshire it is the stuff of myth and legend.

A UK coast path is a fantastic idea, having spent quite a bit of time on the South West coast path enjoying the walking, the sea, the air etc, I can highly recommend. Where else can you see such lovely vistas as this.


Later on it becomes clear why the biodiversity minister is the government front man:
"I think the important thing is that the introduction of a coast corridor will actually help safeguard those wildlife habitats, perhaps more importantly guard against development and protect our beautiful coast."
Although from a media point of view saying "I think..." would suggest you are not sure or have no supporting evidence or that it is your own personal opinion.

Anyway aside from who the minister talking to the press is, the idea itself is solid, a lot of people would use the path and the success of such an idea has been proved by other existing coast paths such as the South west coast path.

The various representative groups all broadly support the idea but have some minor criticisms. Given the obvious success of other coast paths and the lack of associated problems this would seem to be reminders rather than serious criticisms. Groups seem to be keen to be involved in the debate and move the project forward and are just making sure their views are considered.

The RSPB gives a very upbeat statement:
"Our concerns have been taken on board and we are confident coastal access will be increased without harming important sites for wild birds. It is important that people visit and enjoy the coast and part of that is the appreciation of the wildlife that thrives there."
-Gwyn Williams, RSPB head of reserves and protected areas
I think Gwyn Williams beats the biodiversity minister with his job title, a much more appropriate, credible title for the debate.

There are genuine concerns over compensation for farmers. Although I do agree that we cannot just confiscate land and access rights I would take the opportunity to do more than just buy the land from farmers. Any coast path is going to need infrastructure whether it is camp sites, pubs, cafe's, guided walk companies etc. So give farmers a choice they can have either cost of land compensation or access to enterprise funding which could be worth more and given for specific business plans such as creating a camp-site or beach cafe or setting up a bed and breakfast.

Perhaps the government should set up a development agency to oversee both the compensation and involvement of the farming community.

So congratulations to the government for the work they are doing on this and other projects to increase access for the public to our beautiful countryside. Keep up the good work.

If you wish to respond to the DEFRA consultation you have until Tuesday, 11 September 2007.

Full details can be found here,
"Consultation on proposals to improve access to the English coast (DEFRA Site)"

Monday, June 18, 2007

IT Help Desk Sketch

Due to a suicide pact between my graphics card and the rest of my pc I have been off the grid for the weekend. One rebuild later, normal service is resumed, that graphics card was always the rebel under achiever of the domain, I shouldn't be surprised that it choose to go in a blaze of glory.

Anyway for your amusement, usual disclaimer applies, here is an alleged comedy sketches:

Bill Gates and the x-box

[IT Support log #0022369]

IT Support service agent: IT Support, where would you like to go today?

Bill: Yes, I have an X-box.

Agent: Yes sir, we only deal with PC's would you like me to put you through to games console support.

Bill: No, it is a PC.

Agent: With respect sir the x-box is never a PC.

Bill: Look I have an ex-box, with a dead power supply, it is deceased, dead, kaput in need of a PSU transplant, gone to PC heaven to live with MS-dos.

Agent: Ahhh... I see... Can I ask what you were doing at the time sir?

Bill: I was writing a letter in Word and that dratted paper clip came up and asked if I wanted help.

Agent: Say no more sir. I will send a new PC straight up sir.

[End log #0022369]

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Are you a tmtoh?

I was reading news articles and on most sites these days people can leave a comment. It only takes a second and you can post anything up. This is all part of web 2.0 although sometimes this audience participation seems a bit like web 0.9 the pre release version.

The quality of the comments can vary depending on the poster. Some comments are inane or pointless or typical of a knee jerk rent a mob style . On some very popular pages you get the inter web equivalent of a mob with pitchforks and flaming torches.

This mob-think can stifle individual opinion and intelligent debate. It is very easy for a small active group to drive the agenda and appear like a majority.

I have tried to characterise the different behaviours of groups and individuals in web 2.0 by creating new descriptive words.

So here is a new word:

Tmtoh (pronounced tum-toe) Tmtoh is an acronym for 'Too Much Time On Hands'
[1] A prolific poster of comments / blog articles or any other commenting in web 2.0 who spends too much time commenting and has little or nothing worth saying.
[2] Could also refer to a comment / blog or web 2.0 addict who has to post items / comments or suffer withdrawl symptoms.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

'The Apprentice' - the Interview Week

I only just caught the repeat but I thought as it is one of my favourite weeks I would write up some notes.

So after Naomi's exit last week, which was a shame as I liked her she was a lovely lady, we move on to the interview task.

I like the interview special, a bit of aggressive interviewing, you don't have to be nice to the candidates. If you think they are making it up or fumbling then you challenge them. I would happily give that a go, so Sir Alan if you need someone from HR to help out give me a call. Although I can imagine what Sir Alan might have to say about people in HR, I think it might not be repeatable in polite company.

Pre Interview quotes

Tre: " I was handling board meetings at 18"

Simon" If someone tells me to turn left I will immediately turn right"
[I hope the police have taken note, here is a man who should not have been able to pass his driving test]

Katie: "I have a ruthless streak with an edge to it and I'm not afraid to use it"
[Now that is a dangerous weapon]

The Interviews

The three experts as before were: Claude Litner (global trouble shooter), Bordan Tkachuk (Chief Executive Viglen computers), and Paul Kemsley (property developer / friend).

Tre:"I don't think I know how to be shy"

Tre:" I have a home office and an office abroad"
[Tre talks about his extensive business empire which seemed to belong to his family rather than him.]

Tre:"It's not a bedroom it's a home office"
[Tre gets a bit touchy when challenged about his bedroom / home office.]

Katie: "I didn't get to where I am staying at home playing mummy... I don't need maternity leave any of that bull."
[I am not sure she did herself any favours there.]

Lohit: "I'm a leader... I'm not here to be nice."
[What a nice little comment, oh wait he didn't mean to be nice that is him trying to sound ruthless.]

The Consultants meeting with Sir Alan

About Tre:

Paul: "Tre runs a global corporation from a bedroom... He's a fantasist."

Claude: "He did zero research"

Sir Alan to Paul: "He wont be on your Christmas card list."

About Kristina:

Claude: "Strong positives... hasn't really progressed very well...competent, hard working... credible candidate."

Bordan: "Bright, Cheery."

Paul: "Good person, high integrity."

About Katie:

Paul: "Powerful aggressive lady... couldn't work with her day in day out, do my head in... she's a go getter"

Claude: "She is a showman... I wouldn't let her run a company... she hasn't got a clue."

Bordan: "She is totally ruthless... What's her motivation to be on the apprentice... She's got something... It's only about winning for Katie... Is this just a leapfrog for something else"

About Lohit:

Claude: "Least credible... Deeply unimpressed."

Sir Alan: "I don't think he actually knows what he is saying most of the time"

Paul: "Nice guy, boring."

About Simon:

Paul: "He is a gross underachiever... He hasn't done anything"

Bordan: "Hit hard, couldn't recover from it."

Claude: "I wouldn't write him off... given the change he could succeed."

The final chance

Lohit to Sir Alan: "I'm not trying to convince myself, I'm trying to convince you."
[I like this quote it was honest.]

Your Fired!

Tre when asked about the difficult interview:" He wouldn't let me finish a sentance..."(at this point he was interrupted by Sir Alan).
[What is the secret of comedy, Sir Alan knows it is timing.]

Your Fired!

Then it was Katie's turn to face the spotlight...

Your in the final!

Katie:"I don't want to make a fool of you, I don't want to make a fool of me... Ok...erm... I think its more important to get my plans in place... I suggest I stand down."

You... resign?!?

I have to say she did look very torn and it was obviously a very difficult decision for her to make but the jury is out on whether she really wanted to win anyway. The cynic inside of me says that she wanted to go to a point where she could could turn Sir Alan down and say to everyone that it could of been her. However, if that was the case it was also clear she was choosing a point where no one else lost out because of her game plan.

Alternatively everything she said could have been completely heart felt and it was a really difficult decision for her. For me the jury is still out.

Which left Kristina and Simon in the grand final tomorrow night...

If you need more apprentice news you can have a look at what happened to last years candidates.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Everyday Super Heroes: First Great Western Oxford Station Staff

These Super hero pants are awarded to the FGW Oxford station staff for looking after 400 schoolchildren after their train had broken down. Even ordinary people wear their pants on the outside some of the time. Well done to not just the station staff but Thames Valley Police, British Transport Police and not forgetting the teachers and chaperones in the party.

The Schoolchildren from eleven different schools were returning home from Bath to Birmingham when the train's breaks failed just outside Oxford station. The train was a charter run by Rivieria trains with rolling stock and locomotive power from EWS.

The engineers tried to repair the train but failed, while this was going on the kids were left on the train for 3 1/2 hours. I hate to think what it was like on board.

The children were eventually taken off the train and walked to Oxford Station to await onward transport home. At this point you would have thought that the nightmare was over, but it continued.

First Great Western even though it was not their train or their passengers and arguably not their responsibility offered to arrange buses for the entire party. Riviera trains said they would sort it out themselves. However the buses were then late and not enough turned up.

The children had to bed down in the station after it was closed and again FGW staff came through by staying on to ensure the station could remain open and that the children were safe. Four station staff stayed on and two others were called in to assist.

By 3:30 am 40 children were left be waved on their way and FGW staff again stepped in, took charge and ordered them all taxis.

So three times in one night FGW and their staff went out of their way to make sure the children were safe in Oxford and got home. The Staff on that night are a credit to the company and super heroes to the children.

PC Burrows of British Transport Police tells the Oxford Mail how it was:

"They were led Pied Piper style, a stream of 400 to 500 children, through the streets of Oxford late at night through the revellers. "
Obviously 'pied piper' style is the approved method of leading children taught at the police training college.

The other thing that strikes me about this quote is you can imagine all the children in single file being lead through the Saturday night drunks, must have been quite an unusual sight.

PC Burrows had the following to say about the FGW staff:
"Those working at Oxford worked incredibly professionally, many without pay."
An FGW spokesperson also told the mail:
"They did not want to see the kids stranded."
Which I think is a bit understated for the trouble the staff went to to look after the kids.

So congratulations to the FGW staff involved on winning the super hero pants and proving that ordinary people can be heroes too.
On one final note PC Burrows has this to say regarding the management and organisation of the private company involved in the charter train:
"In relation to the management and organisation from the private operator we do not have a comment to make at this stage but we will be taking it further with the company concerned."
I would think the police, the schools and the parents take a very dim view of any company that would strand 400 kids. The Managing Director of that company should be ashamed of himself and his company.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

HR Euphemisms & LA Times Redundancies

Balderdash & Piffle recently had a segment on military euphemisms concocted to hid uncomfortable truths. I wrote about it in "More Balderdash & Piffle", but it did get me to thinking that even HR has some pathetic euphemisms not around death but around the dreaded "redundancy" word.

Roy Greenslade in the Guardian has written about the LA times editor's email to his staff regarding impending redundancies (Guardian Blogs:Did LA Times editor have help with redundancy letter?).

In the article Roy muses on his suspicion that the editor had help from HR / Business executives because of the language used. He goes on to offer some of the quotes from the letter as consideration.

Here are some of the best or worst bits:

Redundancy program:

"a voluntary and involuntary employee separation program"
redundancies:
"involuntary departures"
redundancy package:
"a generous separation package"
Notice pay:
"salary continuation"
All of that was in the first paragraph.

The other tendency of all redundancy notifications is to wax lyrical about the future. It is always difficult to judge how to balance news of redundancy with plans for the future or indeed not to complicate the message by linking the two issues too closely.

I tend to agree with Roy Greenslade, in this particular letter they put in too much detail about how much better the organisation would be once the dead wood was removed. Jim O'Shea, Editor of the LA Times, with a little help from his friends tells staff the following:
"We face a dim future only if we refuse to change and do something about it."
"We must move on and convert our staff into a vibrant multi-media organization that breaks news on the web and explains and analyzes it in our newspaper."
There are however some positive notes on what the future will look like without trying to justify redundancies. More upbeat comments about sticking to traditional core values and being the best media outlet in a competitive market place. (Sorry slipped into my own business speak there):
"The Los Angeles Times will remain a full-service newspaper providing the best and most sophisticated coverage of the city, the region, the state, the nation and the world."
"Creativity, flexibility, innovation, great storytelling and smart editing will mark the road to our future. We are journalists and we must sustain and grow our ability to explain Southern California and the world beyond to the people living in this dynamic and vast region. Great journalism in print and on-line will continue to be our legacy. We must seize the future; it is within our grasp."
Some great positive thoughts on the future of the organisation there, I suspect if Jim O'Shea had been left to write the letter on his own it would have be a much simpler, positive message about unfortunate changes in the organisation which was not tarnished by ambiguous rhetoric and self serving justifications for redundancies.

Friday, June 08, 2007

The London 2012 Olympic Logo - the back story

Unless you have been on another planet lately, in which case welcome to earth, you must have witnessed the birth of the 2012 London Olympic logo.

It is going to win awards, no really it will win worst logo 2007, and 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, worst logo 21st century in 2099 and worst logo for the third millennia in 2999.

Given that it is the worst logo ever designed you have to wonder how it came to be designed in the first place. I find it difficult to believe that a conversation like this ever occurred:

Olympic representative: Let's have a look at the logo, then.
Designer: Here you go.
OR: Nice, like it, it will really speak to the people.
D: Thanks.
OR: Here is your £400,000 cheque.
D: Sweet.

That can not be the true back story of the designing of the Olympic logo. So here are some other more likely scenarios:

1. The Missing Apprentice Episode.

Most people have not noticed but the BBC1 series "the Apprentice" is actually one episode short this year. A reliable mole in the BBC1 PR Department tells me there is one episode that was recorded but will never be broadcast.

Sir Alan after reviewing the tape for this one show refused to participate any further unless the show was pulled. The BBC did try to argue but Margaret Mountford had a meeting with several senior executives at the Corporation. What occurred at this meeting is not recorded but the pre-release tapes were pulled from the PR department and all references were removed from show notes.

However, Sir Alan only pulled that one show, for some reason no one remembered that they had already edited the teaser for next weeks show which was at the end of the previous week. This was remedied one day later but thankfully the BBC being a bureaucracy with procedures had already sent that previous week's show for transcription. Apparently transcription is necessary not only for subtitling purposes but for legal and archive purposes.

Sir Alan only ever pulled the footage and remains unaware of the existence of the transcript of the teaser. The BBC have since destroyed and rewritten the transcript for that show with the new teaser. However my mole in the PR Department has managed to supply me with the original teaser transcript.


Voiceover: Next week, on The Apprentice the two teams must design a logo for a special event.
[Cut to Sir Alan, briefing the teams]
Sir Alan: Right 2012 Olympics, really special event, going to be a really big event for London and the UK. Now, Why are we standing in front of Big Ben, well the Olympics is going to need a true icon in the form of a logo. You each have a design team who are going to help you design a logo which must be simple, modern and is not going to date over the product lifespan.

Voiceover: but trouble soon flares.

Tre: It doesn't matter that the logo looks rubbish, I can see bull**** to anyone.

Katie:Tre just doesn't understand that he isn't going to be the symbol for the Olympic games. I just hope they pick Tre for the Olympic torch.


Voiceover: and in the boardroom Sir Alan is not impressed.

Sir Alan: You piss my money up the wall, you bring me a logo that looks like some modern art rubbish. What have you got to say for yourself?

Tre: It is a post modern classical iconic logo , Sir Alan.

Sir Alan: Its a pile of vomit, is what it is? Fetch me a bit of paper I can vomit on it, write 2012 and London beneath it . Is that what you did? Katie , who's fault is this?

Katie: it was a team decision.

Sir Alan: Right I have had enough, both designs are rubbish, you completely ignored my advice, Tre's team only win because they actually turned up with a design, you other lot are a shower and missed your deadline by arguing about swirls.

Katie: We are still winners right!

Sir Alan: No, your all fired, that's it....

2. April 1st: Location 10 Downing Street.
Transcript of meeting between TB and GB regarding new Olympic logo.

TB: Have you got that new logo yet, we have time for that before cabinet.
GB: Here it is?
TB: That's it?
GB: Yes.
TB: But that's utter rubbish. Even David Cameron can paint better than that.
GB: It is a £400,000 logo.
TB: What's your point?
GB: Well you can't pay £400,000 for a rubbish logo can you?
TB: Well no, but that's not the point, send it back.
GB: We can't, it has already been approved and paid for.
TB:How?
GB:It was a project which was part of the March budget, which has now been spent in time for the end of the financial year.
TB: Refund clause.
GB:no
TB. It is a £400,000 logo
GB: Very good one.
TB No one pays £400,000 for a bad logo...It's very dynamic, modern yet classical.
GB: It is the London 2012 Logo.
TB: I do feel a headache coming on though.

3. Designer was just too busy.

Courier: I'm here to pick up the Olympic logo for the printers.
Designer: Can you get it, it's the one on the left, I have my hands full.
Courier: You sure its the one on the left.
Designer: Yes, the left.
Courier: This garish kind of crayon job.
Designer:That's a bit harsh but yes that one.
Courier: Looks like a child's drawing.
Designer: Everyone's a critic.
[Courier leaves]
Designer returns to his desk.
Designer: That's strange the logo design is still here. Ah well, now where is my 5 year old daughters little logo that she did for me. That's strange its not here.

And the rest they say is history...

[Disclaimer: Please note these are fictional accounts, if I have hit on the truth of the matter it was purely by accident. I have not received any confidential information from any of the organisations named above or any organisation involved with the design of the logo. This is a purely fictional account for amusement only.]

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Apprentice Bits

You may have noticed I stopped blogging about the show some time about week 2. The simple reason was that I was beginning to make the same comments about the mistakes and how it was all really about having an ounce of common sense.

In reality the only good bits of my posts were the quotes and in the end I decided I would rather enjoy the show that scribble notes continuously.

However if you are looking for the equivalent blow by blow reportage don't bother with that Jo on the BBC pop over to the guardian and have a look at their organ grinder TV blog.

I will say that next weeks final looks a bit dull, Simon is an utter useless wimp and Kristina will wipe the floor with him. I suspect at times I may cringe at how bad Simon is at organising things.
Kristina does deserve to win, but in the final Katie or Tre would have been far better opposition.

So tune in next week to see Sir Alan make Kristina the apprentice. I wonder what the odds are at the bookies.

Some final quotes from notes I made during the episode when they were selling English produce at a French market:

Katie: "Buying half the EU cheese mountain was not a spectacular decision."

Tre: "I can bull**** in any language."

Katie (about Kristina arguing with Simon): " I look forward to the day she will try to swallow something larger than herself and that will be the end of her."

Katie: "Adam is a small school boy in short shorts."

Sir Alan in the boardroom regarding the uselessness of the team leaders. : "It's Dunkirk all over again... your backs to the wall."

Sir Alan commenting on buying cheese: "You bought it from a bloody cash and carry!"

Sir Alan commenting on the innovative sausage cooking plan: "Total bloody joke!"

Katie talking about simon: "Nice guy to have around in the crèche I live."

A few more quotes from the art task:

Katie: "If Adam could just go back to the car lot and get run over."

Tre commenting after selling a nudity and fish picture: "I've always said I can bull**** with the best of them"

Tre after winning the beauty treatment prize: "Nothing like a good facial is there."

Sir Alan: "We know as much about photography as flying to the bloody moon."

The Art of War by Sun Tzu

I Laying plans contd...

12,13,14. Therefore, in your deliberations, when seeking to determine the military conditions, let them [the five constant factors] be made the basis of a comparison, in this wise:

1. Which of the two sovereigns is imbued with the Moral law?
2. Which of the two generals has most ability?
3. With whom lie the advantages derived from heaven and earth?
4. On which side is discipline most rigorously enforced?
5. Which army is stronger?
6. On which side is discipline more highly trained?
7. In which army is there the great constancy both in reward and punishment?

By means of these seven considerations I can forecast victory and defeat.

Notes by Zephyrist:

At its simplest this can be a simple tick list, the winner of the battle will be the one with the most ticks.

To modernise the language a bit, sovereigns would now be the politicians or the decision makers and the generals would be the head of operations.The advantage of heaven and earth has decreased, now most battles in the office or out can be fought in all seasons at all times of day. Reward, punishment and discipline are just the same with salaries, reward packages, company rules and disciplinary offences.

If you consider each question in turn you can quickly decide who has the advantage, if in your favour you fight, if not you might want to try diplomacy or target your inadequacies.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

More Balderdash & Piffle

I have caught the last two episodes of Balderdash and Piffle on BBC2 with Victoria Coren and her search for the origin of words.

Victoria just oozes sex appeal even managing to flirt with the people from the OED. I have been thinking on what quite characterises "the Coren effect" or what constitutes "the full Coren". The Coren look has a bit of the Mona Lisa look about her, it is a bit of a "come hither" look suggesting that a trip to the bedroom to fulfil your wildest dreams could be just around the corner.

The sultry seductive look she gives the camera is a promise of care free naughtiness, with the light on, behind the bedroom door.

In "euphemisms - the lace curtain of language" Victoria investigated a whole raft of different euphemisms. There was a long dull rambling story about the supposed origins of the word "loo" which pretty much bored me senseless and proved absolutely nothing.

Michael Portillo then popped up to save the day by talking about war euphemisms. He explored both the military slang and the more modern practice of politicians creating more palatable expressions about war for the general public. These included the classic "regime change" to indicate a change in government usually by military force and the rather obscure "transport tubes" a more palatable but obscure reference to military body bags.

Out of this show I also learnt the true meaning of "glamour model" I had always assumed it just referred to trashy or cheap modelling work but it actually refers to soft porn / topless fashion work.

In "Dodgy dealings" Victoria investigated the language of the criminal underworld. They had Suggs on investigating "Jack the lad" and a Scottish archaeologist investigating the "Glasgow kiss".

They also looked into the origin of the word "spiv" which refers to a smartly dressed man who lives by his wits and has no regular employment. They managed to date this back to a reference to "spives", a gang who were running scams on the trains between London and Manchester in the 1930's. They also traced a newspaper reference back to the early years of the 20th Century where a common London criminal had the nickname of "spiv".

Victoria hot footed it back to the OED with the references, they accepted the first but rejected the second suggesting it was a Romany reference and not a true "spiv" reference. I think they just didn't want to move the anti dating back a full 30 years. The misspelling of "spives" could easily have been a different word yet because it was closer in date to the current reference they were happy to let it pass.

Google Earth - Castle Hunting

I have found another interesting thing to do with Google earth, go castle hunting. Unlike trains they stay still and are much easier to find.

So here are a few castle views to look at.

Alnwick Castle (wikipedia entry)
Note: Poor resolution on google maps.






Cardiff Castle (wikipedia entry)






Corfe Castle (wikipedia entry)







Dover Castle (wikipedia entry)





Kenilworth Castle (wikipedia entry)







Warwick Castle (wikipedia entry)
Note: Poor resolution on google maps

Saturday, June 02, 2007

The Sky is not always blue

The recent weather in the UK has had a lot of dark stormy clouds crossing the sky resulting in some really beautiful sky-scapes. These are just from the hip shots but I though they were worth sharing.


Storm clouds over fields.One sunset last week

The Art of War by Sun Tzu

I Laying plans contd...

11. These five heads [(1) The Moral Law; (2) Heaven; (3) Earth; (4) The Commander; (5) Method and discipline.] should be familiar to every general: he who knows them will be victorious; he who knows them not will fail.


Notes by Zephyrist:

Quite simply if you enter battle without considering the five constant factors you will loose.