The Apprentice is back...

Yes 9pm GMT on BBC1 the apprentice with Alan "Your fired" Sugar is back. Less than an hour to go till the cuddly rottweiler is back.

I have seen a trailer for the series which includes some suited and booted woman proclaiming that "I am the best salesperson in Europe".

Actually, I can prove your probably not.

For one how do you measure 'best salesperson'? On sales, most product sold, highest margin, largest commission. How are you comparing across industries, do you take into account factors such as customer satisfaction number of product returns or customer call backs.

If you were the best sales person you would probably be richer than Alan Sugar and the best sales person probably lives to do one thing and that is "Sell, Sell, Sell!". They would not have time to appear on the apprentice, think of the customers escaping un-serviced.

I know this because I once worked for a retail company with a heavy commission structure. I spoke to some managers who had worked their way up and were committed salespeople. My question was if you have made £2000 in the first hour of an eight hour day and had beaten your target do you put your feet up? They gave the answer of a true salesperson "I try to make £4000 in the second hour". True salespeople are always chasing the golden sale, and when they have the golden sale they need to beat it. They are truly competitive.

So are you likely to be the best salesperson in Europe. NO!

Do you have an ego that far exceeds your ability? Yes - Congratulations your on 'The Apprentice!'

Of course the biggest satisfaction in 'The Apprentice' is seeing people that have made it such as Alan Sugar take a big chain saw and cut the ego driven wannabes down to size.

'The Apprentice' - the Interview Week

I only just caught the repeat but I thought as it is one of my favourite weeks I would write up some notes.

So after Naomi's exit last week, which was a shame as I liked her she was a lovely lady, we move on to the interview task.

I like the interview special, a bit of aggressive interviewing, you don't have to be nice to the candidates. If you think they are making it up or fumbling then you challenge them. I would happily give that a go, so Sir Alan if you need someone from HR to help out give me a call. Although I can imagine what Sir Alan might have to say about people in HR, I think it might not be repeatable in polite company.

Pre Interview quotes

Tre: " I was handling board meetings at 18"

Simon" If someone tells me to turn left I will immediately turn right"
[I hope the police have taken note, here is a man who should not have been able to pass his driving test]

Katie: "I have a ruthless streak with an edge to it and I'm not afraid to use it"
[Now that is a dangerous weapon]

The Interviews

The three experts as before were: Claude Litner (global trouble shooter), Bordan Tkachuk (Chief Executive Viglen computers), and Paul Kemsley (property developer / friend).

Tre:"I don't think I know how to be shy"

Tre:" I have a home office and an office abroad"
[Tre talks about his extensive business empire which seemed to belong to his family rather than him.]

Tre:"It's not a bedroom it's a home office"
[Tre gets a bit touchy when challenged about his bedroom / home office.]

Katie: "I didn't get to where I am staying at home playing mummy... I don't need maternity leave any of that bull."
[I am not sure she did herself any favours there.]

Lohit: "I'm a leader... I'm not here to be nice."
[What a nice little comment, oh wait he didn't mean to be nice that is him trying to sound ruthless.]

The Consultants meeting with Sir Alan

About Tre:

Paul: "Tre runs a global corporation from a bedroom... He's a fantasist."

Claude: "He did zero research"

Sir Alan to Paul: "He wont be on your Christmas card list."

About Kristina:

Claude: "Strong positives... hasn't really progressed very well...competent, hard working... credible candidate."

Bordan: "Bright, Cheery."

Paul: "Good person, high integrity."

About Katie:

Paul: "Powerful aggressive lady... couldn't work with her day in day out, do my head in... she's a go getter"

Claude: "She is a showman... I wouldn't let her run a company... she hasn't got a clue."

Bordan: "She is totally ruthless... What's her motivation to be on the apprentice... She's got something... It's only about winning for Katie... Is this just a leapfrog for something else"

About Lohit:

Claude: "Least credible... Deeply unimpressed."

Sir Alan: "I don't think he actually knows what he is saying most of the time"

Paul: "Nice guy, boring."

About Simon:

Paul: "He is a gross underachiever... He hasn't done anything"

Bordan: "Hit hard, couldn't recover from it."

Claude: "I wouldn't write him off... given the change he could succeed."

The final chance

Lohit to Sir Alan: "I'm not trying to convince myself, I'm trying to convince you."
[I like this quote it was honest.]

Your Fired!

Tre when asked about the difficult interview:" He wouldn't let me finish a sentance..."(at this point he was interrupted by Sir Alan).
[What is the secret of comedy, Sir Alan knows it is timing.]

Your Fired!

Then it was Katie's turn to face the spotlight...

Your in the final!

Katie:"I don't want to make a fool of you, I don't want to make a fool of me... Ok...erm... I think its more important to get my plans in place... I suggest I stand down."

You... resign?!?

I have to say she did look very torn and it was obviously a very difficult decision for her to make but the jury is out on whether she really wanted to win anyway. The cynic inside of me says that she wanted to go to a point where she could could turn Sir Alan down and say to everyone that it could of been her. However, if that was the case it was also clear she was choosing a point where no one else lost out because of her game plan.

Alternatively everything she said could have been completely heart felt and it was a really difficult decision for her. For me the jury is still out.

Which left Kristina and Simon in the grand final tomorrow night...

If you need more apprentice news you can have a look at what happened to last years candidates.

The London 2012 Olympic Logo - the back story

Unless you have been on another planet lately, in which case welcome to earth, you must have witnessed the birth of the 2012 London Olympic logo.

It is going to win awards, no really it will win worst logo 2007, and 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, worst logo 21st century in 2099 and worst logo for the third millennia in 2999.

Given that it is the worst logo ever designed you have to wonder how it came to be designed in the first place. I find it difficult to believe that a conversation like this ever occurred:

Olympic representative: Let's have a look at the logo, then.
Designer: Here you go.
OR: Nice, like it, it will really speak to the people.
D: Thanks.
OR: Here is your £400,000 cheque.
D: Sweet.

That can not be the true back story of the designing of the Olympic logo. So here are some other more likely scenarios:

1. The Missing Apprentice Episode.

Most people have not noticed but the BBC1 series "the Apprentice" is actually one episode short this year. A reliable mole in the BBC1 PR Department tells me there is one episode that was recorded but will never be broadcast.

Sir Alan after reviewing the tape for this one show refused to participate any further unless the show was pulled. The BBC did try to argue but Margaret Mountford had a meeting with several senior executives at the Corporation. What occurred at this meeting is not recorded but the pre-release tapes were pulled from the PR department and all references were removed from show notes.

However, Sir Alan only pulled that one show, for some reason no one remembered that they had already edited the teaser for next weeks show which was at the end of the previous week. This was remedied one day later but thankfully the BBC being a bureaucracy with procedures had already sent that previous week's show for transcription. Apparently transcription is necessary not only for subtitling purposes but for legal and archive purposes.

Sir Alan only ever pulled the footage and remains unaware of the existence of the transcript of the teaser. The BBC have since destroyed and rewritten the transcript for that show with the new teaser. However my mole in the PR Department has managed to supply me with the original teaser transcript.


Voiceover: Next week, on The Apprentice the two teams must design a logo for a special event.
[Cut to Sir Alan, briefing the teams]
Sir Alan: Right 2012 Olympics, really special event, going to be a really big event for London and the UK. Now, Why are we standing in front of Big Ben, well the Olympics is going to need a true icon in the form of a logo. You each have a design team who are going to help you design a logo which must be simple, modern and is not going to date over the product lifespan.

Voiceover: but trouble soon flares.

Tre: It doesn't matter that the logo looks rubbish, I can see bull**** to anyone.

Katie:Tre just doesn't understand that he isn't going to be the symbol for the Olympic games. I just hope they pick Tre for the Olympic torch.


Voiceover: and in the boardroom Sir Alan is not impressed.

Sir Alan: You piss my money up the wall, you bring me a logo that looks like some modern art rubbish. What have you got to say for yourself?

Tre: It is a post modern classical iconic logo , Sir Alan.

Sir Alan: Its a pile of vomit, is what it is? Fetch me a bit of paper I can vomit on it, write 2012 and London beneath it . Is that what you did? Katie , who's fault is this?

Katie: it was a team decision.

Sir Alan: Right I have had enough, both designs are rubbish, you completely ignored my advice, Tre's team only win because they actually turned up with a design, you other lot are a shower and missed your deadline by arguing about swirls.

Katie: We are still winners right!

Sir Alan: No, your all fired, that's it....

2. April 1st: Location 10 Downing Street.
Transcript of meeting between TB and GB regarding new Olympic logo.

TB: Have you got that new logo yet, we have time for that before cabinet.
GB: Here it is?
TB: That's it?
GB: Yes.
TB: But that's utter rubbish. Even David Cameron can paint better than that.
GB: It is a £400,000 logo.
TB: What's your point?
GB: Well you can't pay £400,000 for a rubbish logo can you?
TB: Well no, but that's not the point, send it back.
GB: We can't, it has already been approved and paid for.
TB:How?
GB:It was a project which was part of the March budget, which has now been spent in time for the end of the financial year.
TB: Refund clause.
GB:no
TB. It is a £400,000 logo
GB: Very good one.
TB No one pays £400,000 for a bad logo...It's very dynamic, modern yet classical.
GB: It is the London 2012 Logo.
TB: I do feel a headache coming on though.

3. Designer was just too busy.

Courier: I'm here to pick up the Olympic logo for the printers.
Designer: Can you get it, it's the one on the left, I have my hands full.
Courier: You sure its the one on the left.
Designer: Yes, the left.
Courier: This garish kind of crayon job.
Designer:That's a bit harsh but yes that one.
Courier: Looks like a child's drawing.
Designer: Everyone's a critic.
[Courier leaves]
Designer returns to his desk.
Designer: That's strange the logo design is still here. Ah well, now where is my 5 year old daughters little logo that she did for me. That's strange its not here.

And the rest they say is history...

[Disclaimer: Please note these are fictional accounts, if I have hit on the truth of the matter it was purely by accident. I have not received any confidential information from any of the organisations named above or any organisation involved with the design of the logo. This is a purely fictional account for amusement only.]

Apprentice Bits

You may have noticed I stopped blogging about the show some time about week 2. The simple reason was that I was beginning to make the same comments about the mistakes and how it was all really about having an ounce of common sense.

In reality the only good bits of my posts were the quotes and in the end I decided I would rather enjoy the show that scribble notes continuously.

However if you are looking for the equivalent blow by blow reportage don't bother with that Jo on the BBC pop over to the guardian and have a look at their organ grinder TV blog.

I will say that next weeks final looks a bit dull, Simon is an utter useless wimp and Kristina will wipe the floor with him. I suspect at times I may cringe at how bad Simon is at organising things.
Kristina does deserve to win, but in the final Katie or Tre would have been far better opposition.

So tune in next week to see Sir Alan make Kristina the apprentice. I wonder what the odds are at the bookies.

Some final quotes from notes I made during the episode when they were selling English produce at a French market:

Katie: "Buying half the EU cheese mountain was not a spectacular decision."

Tre: "I can bull**** in any language."

Katie (about Kristina arguing with Simon): " I look forward to the day she will try to swallow something larger than herself and that will be the end of her."

Katie: "Adam is a small school boy in short shorts."

Sir Alan in the boardroom regarding the uselessness of the team leaders. : "It's Dunkirk all over again... your backs to the wall."

Sir Alan commenting on buying cheese: "You bought it from a bloody cash and carry!"

Sir Alan commenting on the innovative sausage cooking plan: "Total bloody joke!"

Katie talking about simon: "Nice guy to have around in the crèche I live."

A few more quotes from the art task:

Katie: "If Adam could just go back to the car lot and get run over."

Tre commenting after selling a nudity and fish picture: "I've always said I can bull**** with the best of them"

Tre after winning the beauty treatment prize: "Nothing like a good facial is there."

Sir Alan: "We know as much about photography as flying to the bloody moon."

'The Apprentice' week 2 - money, money, money

All they had to do this week was make money, they were given £200 to run a business during the day and a business at night.

The key here was get your business idea right and you could make a mint. You needed to go for simple ideas and volume sales.

The boys with Tre as leader went for gardening on a rainy day and sing-a-grams.

The girls with Naomi as leader went for face painting and kiss-a-grams.

The boys ideas were pretty poor, gardening took too long and anyone that wanted any gardening done would already be paying someone to do it. The sing-a-grams main plus was that there were no start up costs.

The girls did ok with the facepainting but location and a lack of customers on a school day let them down. Again the kiss-a-grams had no start up costs.

For the evening I might have gone for rose selling, selling single red roses to lovers for £5 a shot.

Both teams argued a lot with Tre and Jadine standing out on each side as the opiniated ones but Sir Alan has got his eye on both of them. They better start delivering results or Sir Alan will get bored of their attitude.

In the end the boys put in some hard effort and won the task.

Geri got fired for being a slow starter and failing on two tasks to pick a good enough location for the sales team. Jadine had her card marked by Sir Alan for her disruptive behaviour, he is watching her closely and she could be next if she doesn't start working with the team.

Episode in quotes:

Katie: "Girls are so different to boys"
(As the only girl on the boys team, referring to their secret ballot for leader)

Nick Hewer: "Tre confuses physical work with leadership..."
(After Tre rushes around doing the gardening)

Katie:"Eat your heart out Charlie Dimmock...and I do it in underwear"
(Whilst sweeping up some leaves)

Naomi:"I am a busineeswoman not a prostitute."
(when told about the kiss-a-gram idea)

Tre: "We just need to ******* make some ******* money... Quite frankly I'm getting tired of all this bullshit."
(one of Tre's rants)

Sir Alan: "Give me some money, would you like to kiss me...sounds like another old profession"
(talking in the boardroom about the girls kiss-a-gram scheme)

Next week: Flog candy to the public at London Zoo

'The Apprentice' week 2 - Dog Daze

Week 2 continues with a doggy challenge.

The Challenge

Two days to design an innovative product for dog loving "nutters". Pitch the product to three retailers and of course the highest profit wins.

The key to this task was designing a product which appealed to everyone and was cheap enough for the mass market. The final aspect was then the sales pitch to the retailers.

The Brainstorm

Rory, the team leader, told the team that brainstorming required everyone except the leader to take off their jackets and ties. The leader kept his on to show he was the leader.

Rory explained about discipline:

"Discipline - something I go f***ing crazy for... I will send you out"

Adam had a few comments about Rory's leadership style.

"...bit of a headmaster... feel like a five year old.."

Stealth(Girls):

Katie, the team leader, doesn't brainstorm she has an "Ideation". She acted as a good leader during the brainstorm controlling and opening up discussion. I can also credit her with one of the best quotes of the week (speaking to one of the other girls who is pushing a dog nappy idea):

"I'm going to ask you to drop the nappy."

Focus groups / Prototyping

Eclipse(Boys):

Rory led the team and virtually enforced his idea on the team with the "pooch pouch" which essentially was a Velcro belt / pouch contraption.

Jadine was still harping on about clips thinking about 'eclipse' clips for the doggy blanket one of the ideas that was rejected.

During a late night argument Rory and Tre continued their argument:

Rory: "I am your boss"
Tre "Your nothing to me"

Some classic quotes from Tre during this bit:

Tre frustrated about the lack of design at the prototype meeting:

"Cant be bothered... tossers!"

Tre on getting hold of the other half of the team:

"go outside and leave them a nice message"

Tre says more on Rory's management style:

"Rory, only thing he knows how to say is shut up"

Stealth(Girls):

The girls eventually settled on the dog cabinet and I must have switched off during that bit of the show as nothing much seems to have been memorable.

The Sales Pitch

Both teams pitched to 'Harrods', 'Pets and the City' and 'Pets at home'. This was supply and demand economics, the maximum profit was always going to come from volume sales and therefore 'Pets at home' was the key pitch.

Eclipse(Boys):

The boys did better at the up market small scale shops even though 'pets and the city' stated their product was "not a fashion statement". For 'Pets at home' they had clearly priced themselves out of the market.

Stealth(Girls):

The girls had a problem appealing to the upmarket shops with a flat pack but with the large retailer they hit the mark with their IKEA / Argos style dog closet.

Ghazal who was in charge of pitching just froze and had to hand over. We have all been there but what an unfortunate time to freeze.

During the girls pitch to 'Pets and the city' there was a fantastic exchange:

'Pets and the city': so you are stereotyping people?
Candidate: No... this epitomises a group of people...

Exactly what is your definition of a stereotype?

Boardroom One

It was all a bit close to call both teams had made mistakes, the boys would appeal to the upmarket retailers but the girls would probably corner the mass market.

Sir Alan started with the boys:

Sir Alan: "Think it was a good idea?"
Tre:"No"

Tre then proceeded to twist the knife in blaming Rory for just about everything.

In the end the girls won having sold 2000 units to 'Pets at Home' and making a solid profit of £5000.

Sir Alan imparted his wisdom on the task to the boys:

"Moral of the story...Effort into talking to the person with the potential to buy."

In the Cafe

In and around the cafe before the boys went back into the boardroom there was a final bit of honesty for Rory and Tre:

Rory: "picked the wrong product"

Tre talking about Rory:

"Has dug his own grave... talk about his faults for a day...talk about his good points waste of a fag packet if I wrote it down..."

Boardroom Two

Francis said her usual line to tell the boys to get in the boardroom.

Sir Alan kicks straight off with "Listen, you lost"

Ifta's poor performance and lack of contribution quickly came up the following exchange:

Sir Alan: "What did you actually do?"
Ifti:"Afraid I didn't contribute much."

The grilling continued as Sir Alan demanded to know who was responsible:

Sir Alan: "Who's responsible?"
Tre: "Rory"

Tre adds another knife to the pincushion in Rory's back.

Rory elects to bring back Tre and Ifti and it very much looks like Ifti would be a goner.

The Final Firing

Sir Alan instantly focusing on Ifti asking for an explanation and Ifti honestly explains that he misses his family and finds it crippling being away from them.

For the first time Sir Alan softened the blow:

"With regret, your fired"

But wait its not over, Sir Alan still wants to fire someone else as the other two don't deserve a "get out of jail" free card.

Sir Alan presses on with his interrogation of the remaining two candidates, turning the spotlight on each in turn:

Sir Alan to Rory:

"Do not want to hear chapter and verse, half the magna carter read out to me."

Sir Alan to Tre about Rory:

"Make mincemeat out of him."

Rory on Tre:

"...Not a team player..."

Sir Alan to Tre

"You're very disruptive ... very, very concerned."

Then finally as usual Sir Alan makes his final pitch:

Sir Alan to Rory:

"... Total absolute disaster... Rory here's the hat trick You're fired!"

Final Words

With Rory gone only Tre is left to go back to the house and I shall leave the last word about Tre to Simon who makes this comment whilst waiting to find out who survived:

Simon: "If you keep Tre on a leash you will be alright"

Next Week: Sir Alan tells the candidates to go make some money.

'The Apprentice' is back

Sir Alan Sugar starts the long gruelling process of whittling down 16 entrepreneurial wannabes down to one who then gets the six figure salary and becomes Sir Alan's latest apprentice.

The reason this is classic viewing is that we have all worked with managers like this. They know best and have all these wonderful ideas which often go wrong. If it does go wrong it is certainly not their fault, it was the team that implemented it. If the worst comes to the worst they can always move on to the next company or project with their reputation intact.

I call them 'pigeon' managers, they come in crap over everything, then fly off leaving the rest of the team to clear up the mess. You can often find them re-inventing the wheel, trying something again that didn't work five years ago, talking in business code or schmoozing with the high and mighty.

The candidates are the usual mix of entrepreneurs, managers and assorted others. It will take a couple of weeks to get to know the different characters but it was nice to see they all started off by making the same mistakes as in previous series. Did these people bother doing any research?

Week 1 was coffee selling and as in most of these tasks there were a couple of simple ideas that the teams needed to grasp. In this project it was to get your stock levels right and get the location for your mobile vending van right.

The boys team had a minor problem with the stock when they bought the coffee but nothing major and they made good use of the mobile coffee van.

I was not overly impressed with the management skills of Jadine, she had two very good salesmen on the mobile van and she interfered with them and held them back. Had the other team been a real threat this could have lost her the match and possibly her job. Iron control will not work with these type of people, they need a certain amount of autonomy and more freedom when they are winning. You only need to step in if things are going wrong.

Jardine also got obsessed about the eclipse branding insisting that all cappuccinos had the eclipse logo sprinkled on the top. This is fine but brand is for long term customer loyalty and repeat visits, there was absolutely no need to be obsessed about it when they only had one day.

The girls team failed completely both with stock and the mobile van. The people Andy let take control of those key operations were incompetent and he needed to step in. Ultimately he paid the price Sir Alan values leadership skills and clearly sees it as a skill that cannot be easily trained or developed but must be present in some form.

I have no doubt that both Sophie and Gerri will be back in the boardroom as they will make the same mistakes again. If Andy had not taken the bullet it would have been a difficult choice between the two but I think Sophie would have gone, she just doesn't seem to have the business acumen that Sir Alan wants. Although it is still early days and time will tell.

The BBC website is good although I wanted to mention that giving Jo from last year a column is a bit of a mistake. Sadly she is a member of the HR profession and was an example last year of everything that is wrong with HR.

Next week is all about doggy products, should be interesting.